By Matt Salwasser, Features Editor

The signs are all around us. The Halloween candy has just run out, the weather is cooling to a brisk 68 degrees, anxious family members are deciding whose house to go to for the holidays and the turkeys are once again living in constant terror for their plump, juicy and deliciously tasting little turkey lives. Ah yes, Thanksgiving is near.

But this column isn’t about Thanksgiving. No, no — that would be absurd. The Indians, who? Pilgrims, what? Colonialization, widespread murder and the lethal spread of smallpox — Where?

We all know what Thanksgiving is really for. It’s to load up on carbs, sugars and tasty, warm foods before the great American shopping tradition known as Black Friday. Or as I like to call it, the Running of the Visa-Packin’ Bulls.

For those of you who don’t know, Black Friday is the one day of the year when you may or may not be trampled, punched or stabbed for a discounted Flip Video. Unless you shop at Walmart, in which case I think it’s a common occurrence.

But I kid, I kid. I don’t really call it the RVPB; instead I call it my post-Thanksgiving-gorge-a-thon sleep-in time. I’ve never participated in Black Friday, but here are two tactics I think you should keep in mind before you camp out at Best Buy at 3 a.m.

Get your juice on

Black Friday crowds are notoriously rowdy and physical, so get ready to push yourself like you’ve never before. I suggest going to the gym and starting on the bench press with about 200 pounds. You’ll need to be pushing people out of the way; a motion that obviously uses the same arm and pectoral muscles as the standard bench press. I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right. Some people weigh less than 200 pounds, and others weigh more. But I’d err on the side of caution with this one, so you should probably increase the weight by 25 pounds after every set.

The Aztec Recreation Center also conveniently offers punching bags, a rock climbing wall and treadmills, all of which will help you train your body into a fierce, agile and lightening-fast money-saving machine. Not only will you be able to throw your shopping competition through the locked glass doors, but you’ll also be able to scale the aisles like Spiderman and outrun the crowds like an Olympic runner. You’ll be unstoppable.

Know what you need

Now that you’re going to look, act and hopefully sound like Rambo, you need a course of action. What do you need — not want — but need? Everything? Good, you’re in the right country. Know where to find it? No? OK, you’re going to do two things.

First, you’re going to scope the store’s layout similar to a cheetah scoping the savanna. Measure aisle lengths, door widths, ceiling height and the approximate distance from the entrance to your product of need, all while simultaneously getting an employee headcount. Now that you have this information, you need to call San Diego State head basketball coach Steve Fisher and he’ll hook you up with some plays. Hey, we’ve been doing great, right?

And friends, that’s pretty much all Black Friday takes: a feast to sustain energy levels, a murderer’s attitude and a an athlete’s carefully plotted strategy. At the end of the day, I’m sure you’ll be happy with your earned, discounted products and a nice set of scrapes and bruises.

—Matt Salwasser is a journalism junior who knows this sounds extreme, but do you want an iPod or not?

—This column does not necessarily represent the opinion of The Daily Aztec.