REVVING THE FLUX CAPACITOR: Working down from 10

by publicationarchive

Every December is a magical time for me. Not because of the holiday season, but because of the endless top 10 lists that flood the news world. I just can’t get enough of them; I mean what were the top 10 novels or top 10 celebrity mishaps?

One man has gone beyond waiting for the year’s end to give me the goods: David Letterman. It’s as if Dave knows my every thought and desire as he gives me daily top 10s. It should come as no surprise, then, that I believe Letterman reigns supreme in the late-night talk show battle.

Sure, Jay Leno was great in Disney’s “Hercules,” but how do you excuse the “Jay-Walking” segment? Seriously, it’s worse than all the puns I put out each week, and that, my friends, is a very low ceiling. Plus, if I want to hear mind-numbingly stupid comments I can just walk around campus for an extra 15 minutes.

When Leno can come up with a segment as riveting as Letterman’s “Will it sink or float?” maybe I’ll give him a second look. If anyone is even thinking of bringing up “Headlines” as a rebuttal, please stop now – you’re making a fool of yourself.

Moving along, with sports currently in a dead season, I’ve run out of go-to things to talk about with strangers, which has led to some pretty uncomfortable silences. With this idea in mind, I have decided to honor Mr. Letterman and put out my own top list for the masses (all eight readers).

Without further ado, here it is: Top 10 most awkward situations where people force conversation.

No. 10: Elevators. Too cliché. Next.

No. 9: Any time the credit card machine is taking a long time to go through at a drug store. It’s no fun hearing the attendant make excuses for the delay. I’m fine waiting in silence; I don’t need you to fill the void by jabbering on about your predictions for this year’s American Idol mainly because I still don’t understand how there could ever be more than one. Think about it.

No. 8: Grocery checkout. Anytime this conversation goes past salutations, you know you’re in trouble.

Clerk: “So you’re buying milk ? having some cereal tonight?”

You: “No. (Sigh). Just need something to drink.”

Clerk: “Alright, milk – it does a body good, always loved it – Oh, remember to punch in your rewards number.”

You: “Please just punch me in the face.”

The only way to avoid this is to just buy something embarrassing and then you can just take in the sweet silence of them silently judging you. Ah, pure bliss.

No. 7: Pharmacy counter. Please Mr. or Mrs. Pharmacist, I never need a special consultation with you. That prescription I’m picking up was given to me by a doctor. She explained everything I needed to know, and for the love of God, this is never an acceptable time to ask what my weekend plans are – and I don’t care about your cats.

OK, so I only got to No. 7. Who knew how hard it would be to come up with 10 things? No wonder Leno hasn’t tried to copy Letterman – zing! Look out for the next top 10 when I attempt to get to No. 3. Baby steps, baby steps.

-Drew Hendrickson is a psychology senior.

-This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Daily Aztec.