A look at frivolous prayer, impaction and Bush — through the eyesof God

One of the most influential gods in Western history is the God ofAbraham, best known for his relationship with Moses, who gained fameafter authoring a five-book set about his own conversations with God.The five books, known as the Torah, are possibly the most importantpieces of literature to the Jewish faith.

A couple of millennia ago, God retreated from the spotlight undera cloud of suspicion and disbelief. The scandal began with the birthof a man named Jesus and his mother, Mary. Many believed Jesus to bethe son of God, while others discounted the legitimacy of the manknown as Christ. Two thousand years later, people still remember thefamous words of his mother, Mary: “I did not have sexual relationswith … anyone.”

The result of this argument was a chasm in the Jewish faith,eventually leading to the religion Christianity, the single-mostsignificant factor in the creation of Western philosophy. Howeverspectacular the feats of the West may have been in the advent of thisnew religion, God’s image has never recovered. The three religionscreated in his name — Judaism, Christianity and Islam — have foughtendlessly throughout history, blemishing the validity of God’s reignover humanity.

But even with these tribulations, God has masterfully upstagedother gods. The gods of ancient Egypt had almost no chance when upagainst this single, supernatural being. In fact, many created wildconspiracies claiming that God could not possibly have “acted alone.”

The gods of the Greeks and Romans were numerous, but no match forGod.

God has prevailed so uneventfully, it’s hard to envision theWestern world ever slipping out of the grasp of his influence.

I had the honor and privilege to talk with God, the mostsignificant deity of our time.

Reed Albergotti: Speaking with you, God, is so amazing. You’relike a famous rock star, only more famous. It seems almost …unreal. Maybe next time, I’ll be able to meet you in person.

God: Well, if you talked to me in person, you’d be dead.

Albergotti: Oh … ah, yeah, that’s right (I blush). I rememberthe story of you and Moses — you wouldn’t let him look at your face.

So, let’s start with the Super Bowl. Because you are all-knowing,you probably heard the Giants lost to the Ravens. Trent Dilfer, theRavens’ quarterback, totally kissed your ass after the game — do youeven follow sports?

God: Follow em? Hell, I’m a big sports fan.

So — yeah, I’m a big sports fan.

Trent (Dilfer) should thank me, that little prick. He’s not thatgood. I just got so tired of those damn New York teams winningeverything that I let someone else have a chance.

Remember, I am a just God.

What’s interesting, though, is that Trent never blamed me forlosing all those years when he played for Tampa Bay. It actually wasmy fault. I was a really big Packers fan, and I just couldn’t bear tosee their rival, Tampa Bay, win. Poor Trent went through a hard time’cause of me. Oh well.

Super Bowl time always really sucks for the rest of the world,though. I spend so much time answering the prayers of professionalathletes and planning my big party, the whole place falls apart.Sorry, but I can’t let the prayers of athletes go unheard.

This year’s Super Bowl was especially hectic.

The last time I was really preoccupied, Canada became a nation.

Albergotti: I always thought those athletes were morons forpraying over sporting events, but I guess if you really do answertheir prayers … I’ve been wrong all along. If you’ve got to putyour priorities somewhere, they might as well be on football.

God: Yeah. Plus I have sort of a gambling problem. I’ve got abookie in Vegas who sends all my winnings to an offshore account. TheG man’s got to have some “cash money” for next time he gets his”travel to earth” on, ya hear me, dawg? I know there are morelegitimate ways to make money, but it’s so hard to quit gambling whenyou’re omnipotent.

Really, the whole thing is a good argument for polytheism. I havetrouble getting everything done by myself but, what can I say? I likethe spotlight.

Albergotti: So why don’t you just hire an assistant god?

God: Well, any one of the Greek gods and goddesses would do it,and I am good friends with Zeus, but I think it would be a realshocker to people down on earth.

The whole “one god” thing is pretty much etched in stone.

Albergotti: That is so true. Christians already have Jesus, theHoly Spirit, and yourself. Adding another god would really screwthings up with the Christians.

God: My sentiments exactly. I tried interns … but that didn’treally … work out.

Albergotti: So, who are you betting on for the Super Bowl nextyear?

God: Like I’m really going to tell you who I’m betting on. Havesome integrity, Reed.

Albergotti: I know, that was my bad. But do you think you mightever bet on the Chargers?

God: What do I look like? A demi-god?

Albergotti: But you said you could control …

God: I parted the Red Sea, and now you want me to make theChargers win? What more do I have to do for you people?

Albergotti: You parted the Red Sea because Moses told you to.

(An eerie silence)

Right. So, do you think you could knock some sense in to thereprehensible administration here at SDSU and make them add someclasses?

God: I’ve tried, Reed. Those people piss me off. You’ve got mypermission to riot and loot in protest of their incompetence.

I’ll make sure it doesn’t go on your permanent record.

Albergotti: So, what do you think about this whole election thing?Is Bush a divine screwup or what?

God: It definitely sucks that he’s running the most powerfulnation in the world, but it wasn’t my fault. Bush just had a greatstrategy for winning — don’t let any blacks vote and make theballots for elderly Jews so confusing they vote for a right-wingextremist. Actually, I thought it was really funny — a Jewishcommunity voting for Pat Buchanan.

Although, I must admit, Bush did have the help of Satan.

Albergotti: What do you mean Satan?

God: Yeah, Satan is actually on earth — in possession ofKatherine Harris. Who else would hold a press conference and blockout the last two minutes of the only Charger victory of the season?

Albergotti: You’re right, that could only have been accomplishedby a sadistic, fallen angel.

God: I just hate when Satan manifests himself as irritating,female politicians.

Listen, I gotta run. I’ve got an appointment with Poseidon. We’regonna go make boats disappear in the Bermuda Triangle and then makestrange lights appear over small, rural towns in Kansas.

Albergotti: Uh, yeah … you do that. Take it easy, G.

The interview with God conflicted completely with my expectations.I walked into it with a stereotypical image of God in my mind. Iexpected long winded, philosophical explanations about things likethe meaning of life and morality. But I learned that God is just likeus. After all, he did create us in his image.

My inaccurate view of God stems from an irresponsiblemisrepresentation in the mass media. God, in almost every type ofmedium — be it books, TV, or the Internet — is portrayed asperforming miracles, punishing sinners or handing down dogmatic listsof rules to his human followers. This sensationalized image of Godhas become clich