Think StockA couple is going on their third date. They never thought they’d find each other so amazing. After the movies, one of them decides to take it a step further. He decides to confess his feelings and gives hints about wanting to take the relationship to a physical level. The other person is surprised and wants to reciprocate the feelings, but is hesitant. If she gets intimate with him she may have to disclose that she has syphilis.
Some people worry about potential partners judging their looks or personality; others worry about how their partners will react when they reveal they have a sexually transmitted disease or infection 8212; that’s if they do disclose it.
According to San Diego State peer health educator Ashley Whitehurst, talking about STDs is a very taboo subject. While issues such as jealousy, misunderstanding and trustworthiness are commonly addressed in relationships, STDs and STIs are rarely discussed. It’s uncommon to find someone who can speak freely about a pain in their rectum (a symptom of gonorrhea) or a burning sensation while urinating (a symptom of chlamydia).
The hardest part of disclosing an STD or STI to a partner is having the courage to be honest about the condition.
“I really think (the stigma of STDs) has to do with the method of transmission, because you get it through sexual contact,” Whitehurst said. “You wouldn’t be ashamed for getting hepatitis A from some food you ate a restaurant. But if you get hepatitis B or C, you don’t want to tell people that you have it.”
Gaining the courage to talk about STDs or STIs is half the battle. But handling the partner’s reactions are another story. Many people fear they will be judged in a disapproving way.
“Having STDs gives the implication that they did something bad or you had sex,” SDSU public health educator Angela Basham said.
In addition, Basham said that a potential partner may assume the person had many sexual partners before them or had sexual intercourse irresponsibly.
“There are times where people get STDs because they’re not being as safe as they possibly could,” Whitehurst said. “They’re not using the safest sex method. So they’re embarrassed. They think that they should’ve been smarter.”
Preconceived judgments about STDs and STIs may deter a potential partner from continuing the relationship. Losing someone may be the biggest fear about opening up, but if a person really cares about their partner, they find a way to inform them about the disease or infection. Partners who choose not to talk about it may be putting their partner in danger.
In 2008, from a sample of 100,000 U.S. citizens, 46,277 STD cases were reported, according to www.avert.org. California is ranked as the ninth highest state in reported cases of STDs in the U.S. Though these high numbers suggest that STDs and STIs are a common ailment, many people wish to keep their disease or infection a secret.
“If people were more open about it, they’d realize that a lot of people have it,” Basham said.
Though people may not be open about their disease or infection to everyone, most agree that the least a person with an STD or STI can do is share it with their partner. So the question is: How does someone tell their partner?
“One: Be an expert,” Basham said. “Get all the information you can about your STD. Check Web sites, go to health services, anything to learn about your STD.”
If people are knowledgeable about their situation, their partner will likely feel reassured. A good way to start learning about STDs and STIs is by visiting Student Health Services at the Calpulli Center on Campanile Drive. In addition, Web sites such as www.cdc.gov and www.ashastd.org provide in-depth details and statistics about specific STDs and STIs.
Being knowledgeable about one’s STD or STI is one thing, but if it’s not presented with the right attitude, the partner may have second thoughts.
“Two: Disclose your STDs in a calm manner,” Basham said. “Don’t act like it’s the end of the world. Be factual.”
Reassurance is a key factor in addressing STDs or STIs. Once a partner listens to everything the person has to explain, many choose to maintain the relationship or embrace the partner’s situation.
“In the end, the other (part of the )couple needs time to realize that it’s not the end of the world,” Basham said. “And telling your partner about your STDs is like a test of the other person’s judgment about you. If they can’t accept it, then maybe they aren’t worth having.”
If a partner cannot handle the idea of dating someone with STDs or STIs, most would rather know this before the relationship goes any further. If it does end, a person can take this as an opportunity to try another approach next time.
“If you go into the next relationship, you have to know how to open up,” Basham said. “It doesn’t have to be the first date, but it should be sometime before the fifth.”
For people who are unsure if they have an STD or STI, Basham and Whitehurst agree that they should seek medical help to prevent harm to their body or harm to others. SDSU Health Services offers Family PACT, which provides free STD and STI testing for qualified college students. A full STD and STI panel for males consists of a blood test and a urine test. For females, the panel consists of a vaginal exam and a blood test.
“It could be difficult for people to come to a health service place, especially depending on where they come from 8212; family background, culture 8212; it could be something that’s not talked about,” Whitehurst said. “But in the end they’re only harming themselves and any partners that they have.”
