Golf is a crazy sport. The idea of the game seems so elementary: Hit a tiny ball into a shallow hole using as few strokes as possible.

Simple, right? Well, after attempting to master this delicate art for the past 18 years, I can tell you it’s about as simple as beating Eminem in a rap battle. A few weeks ago, I played a round of golf and the result was about the same as Rosie O’Donnell’s reflection in the mirror: depressing.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the layout of a golf course, there are 18 holes separated into two sections: the front nine and the back nine. On the front nine, I was lucky enough to shoot my age. Then, I played the remaining eight holes (cue Ed McMahon’s “hiyo” here). After hacking my way through the first nine holes, I had a score that would be better suited for bowling than golf. Needless to say, I could tell this day was going to be rough.

After completing the ninth hole and subsequently throwing my putter into the nearest lake, I made a quick stop at the pro shop to grab a new scorecard. The first one had become more cluttered than a seventh grader’s algebra test because of all the math equations I had to use to calculate my score. With a new scorecard in one hand and a fresh beer in the other, I walked to the 10th tee box and embarked on my back nine journey.

To say I improved by leaps and bounds on the back nine would be an exercise in futility. Although, I must admit, the back nine did unfold slightly better than the front, but that’s like saying I’m slightly more attractive than Jonah Hill. While better, there’s still a long way to go. I guess you could say my golf game was “super bad” (cue cringing laughs here). After finishing 18 holes of misery, I felt like I had just starred in the world’s worst porno. I was exhausted and ashamed.

I left the course that day with a newfound respect for the game of golf. At one point in my life, I was brazen enough to call myself a good golfer. But therein lies the absurdity of this game. Golf will tease you. It will put you on a pedestal one day and choke the life out of you the next.

So, is the game of golf simple? Simply put: no. Playing video golf on an iPhone is simple, but it doesn’t make you a good golfer. That’s like playing Guitar Hero and telling everyone you’re Eric Clapton. Being a successful golfer takes focus, dedication and advanced math skills. The only way to beat this heartless, unforgiving monster of a sport is to keep practicing and, most importantly, have fun.

Now, what did I do with my putter?