Hirshman frees house elf

by Staff

Rita Skeeter, Yellow Journalist

The office of San Diego State’s President Elliot Hirshman was in uproar yesterday following a series of events that led to the release of the president’s subservient house elf.

The house elf, Kiff, served SDSU’s president diligently for the five years leading to his accidentally imposed freedom last Tuesday.

“House elves are hard to come by these days, especially a good elf like Kiff,” SDSU Director of Pseudo-Human Services Kim Thornberry said. “To lose his service in such easily preventable circumstances is truly a tragedy.”

According to a recent press release, a manila folder containing information regarding the CSU budget was handed to Kiff to be delivered to the College of Arts and Letters building. Reportedly, Kiff soon discovered there was a man’s wool glove—rumored to belong to Hirshman—inside the folder.

A basic and often detrimental rule of the House Elf Code of Conduct states, “If an article of clothing is given by a master to his or her house elf, said house elf is immediately freed from servitude.”

SDSU’s administration is currently attempting to regain Kiff’s services in conjunction with SDSU Police Department; however, police involvement in house elf disputes is uncommon.

“Our hands are tied on this one,” SDSUPD Capt. Mark Bethel said. “As far as we can tell, this is a by-the-book case. That house elf is no longer under the dominion of President Hirshman, which means he’s out of our jurisdiction.”

Kiff’s whereabouts are currently unknown, and because of his ability to aparrate, he has likely already transported far away from SDSU.

“It’s just not fair,” Hirshman said. “It was just a stupid glove.”

Any information regarding Kiff’s location, or any house elves looking for work, should call Hirshman’s newly established hotline: 1-800-NEED-ELF.

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