Kallie Larsen / Staff Photographer

Well, it happened. It’s the news no one ever sees coming, until it finally comes 8212; getting dumped.

As anyone who’s ever been through this knows, it can be incredibly hard to let go. So difficult that some don’t choose to try 8212; instead, they try to win back their significant other. But that may not always be the right road to take. What some call “refusing to let go” may seem like loyalty and determination to others, and when in the middle of a situation such as this, it can be hard to know the best decision.

“A good frame of reference is to ask yourself if you are just lonely in general, or do you really miss that particular person,” San Diego Relationship Therapy individual and couples relationship counselor Barbi Pecenco Kolski said. “Also, have you taken any time to evaluate yourself and your life before you try to get back together? Sometimes people need time apart to figure out if getting back together is a really good idea or one that is simply coming from loneliness or desperation.”
Should self-reflection reveal no different choice of action than to pursue a past relationship, it’s important to consider whether there’s any possibility that reconciliation could occur. Searching for signs of hope in the way an ex-partner acts could lead to false positives.
” … Sometimes the person (who broke up with you) feels so bad that they seem to be leaving the door open to get back together,” Kolski said. “However, they may not feel they can be completely honest with where they are … because of the guilt. Another tricky issue is when your ex says that they love you, but they “just don’t think the relationship is working.’ You may feel happy to hear that they love you, but neglect to ask what that means. Often, if pressed, you will get the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you’ response.”
Another common misleading step is looking at examples of other couples who have broken up and then gotten back together later on. Other couples’ relationships may not always be a smart meter to use to gauge a individual personal situation, according to Kolski.
“We all know someone who broke up with their partner, only to reconnect later and have things work out in the end,” Kolski said. “But if we are honest with ourselves, we can see that nine times out of 10, it doesn’t work that way … don’t delude yourself into thinking that you have something that you really don’t.”
Breakups are hard, but trying to win back someone who isn’t interested can make the situation worse. However, given the right circumstances, it can happen. It’s impossible to ignore those select couples with off-again-on-again relationships.
“I have seen it a few times, so it can happen,” Kolski said. “But again, in general, unless some important changes are made along the way that lead to a better, healthier relationship, it’s probably better to just let go, grieve your loss and move on.”
To learn more about San Diego Relationship Therapy or to find out how to make a counseling appointment, visit www. sdcouplestherapy.com.