The Daily Aztec

Your newest editor-in-chief, maybe

by Ahmad Dixon, Staff Writer

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If you read this paper then you must know that the Daily Aztec is looking for a new Editor-in-Chief.

After much soul searching I have decided to thow my name in the hat to be considered for the position.

Yes, it may be a bit unorthodox for a freshman staff writer, but after you read my argument you will definitely be convinced that I, Ahmad Alexander Dixon, am the best man for the job.

Reason One: I don’t care about grammar or spelling.

On the surface this may seem like something that would instantly disqualify me for the position, but on the contrary, this could take The Daily Aztec to new heights.

When no longer bogged down by silly things like basic coherence, our writers are free to express themselves without limit.

If we no longer have to spend many wasted hours making sure we are copy editing correctly and using the correct “their,” “there,” or “they’re,” we can put out an issue daily instead of weekly.

Why is this paper called The “Daily” Aztec again?

Editor’s Note: We publish content online daily.

Reason Two: The staff loves me.

I don’t want to brag I am probably the most popular person in the office.

There is even a picture of me on the wall!

I’m still not sure why it’s over a dartboard, but hey, it is a true honor nonetheless.

Many staff members have even given me cute nicknames like, “that rat bastard” and “that jerk who doesn’t show up to meetings but still gets a whole page to himself every week.”

Editor’s Note: We have not had any meetings this semester.

They even sent me a dead skunk in my mailbox once, which was really sweet of them.

Never before have I encountered a more caring and talented group of individuals.

Reason Three: I have the journalist outfit down.

As you may or may not know, the only way you qualify as a journalist is if you have perfected the outfit.

I will lay it out for you, first you need a brown fedora with a little card that says press in the ribbon.

Then you must have a tan overcoat, because it gets cold and rainy when investigating stories.

Editor’s Note: You will also need that overcoat for the summer when you are working in our offices, located in the basement, which are freezing.

Next you must wear a pair of horn-rimmed glasses so the public doesn’t realize that you’re actually Superman.

Then finally, you need a pair of suspenders that you must pull on at the end of the day to signify a job well done.

Cigar is optional, but recommended, so you can blow smoke into your secretary’s face and have that old-timey, gravely, “journalist voice.”

Editor’s Note: Yes, The Daily Aztec newsroom is exactly like Mad Men.

Reason Four: I will personally give all those involved with this decision a foot massage.

I am ready and willing to massage the feet of all those who must sign off on my promotion.

Whether it be the current editor-in-chief or the president of Associated students.

I guarantee that no other candidate has the ability to swallow their pride and rub some appendages.

My total lack of pride and ego makes me the ideal head of any organization because I know, that I know nothing.

Reason Five: Experience.

Out of all the staff writers and contributors I have the most journalistic experience.

I’ve interviewed more foreign dignitaries more than anyone else, I’ve traveled to natural disasters to get people’s reactions on the ground and I have visited literal war zones in order to get the truth.

I have been nominated for the Pulitzer Prize on numerous occasions and have been offered a permanent position at the New York Times, which I turned down to continue with The Daily Aztec, the far superior paper.

I’ve written stories that have taken down corrupt governments and I’ve come close to death at least three times. I deserve this more than anyone else in the running.

All that is a lie, but in this age of fake news, lies and facts are more or less interchangeable.

Actually, let us call everything I have written so far an “alternative fact,” then part of our country may actually believe it.

I might as well tell interesting lies instead of boring truths and actualities, because there is nothing more fun than fairy tales and alternate realities.

If I am given the position, expect a lot more interesting lies, similar to the  current president. Although, I don’t think those lies are exactly interesting.

Those are the five, completely logical reasons I think I am most qualified to be the new editor-in-chief of The Daily Aztec.

I am submitting my resume and transcript as soon as I’m done typing this up and I will be sure to mention that I have the unanimous support of our organization, San Diego State and the people of the United States of America behind me.

Seeing as this institution has been a platform for student journalism for more than 100 years, I think it’s time for a professional liar like myself to become head of it.

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