Natalie O’Neal: ‘I’m exhausted’
June 26, 2020
Uncomfortable, enlightening and confusing are all words that describe what it feels like to be a Black woman at SDSU.
I was taught all my life to achieve a level of unattainable perfection in everything I do and to act a certain way because I am a Black woman. It was instilled in me that I needed to work much harder than everyone else to get, at least, somewhere in life.
My parents and community wanted me to go to a historically Black college or university — also known as an HBCU — so that I could be surrounded by Black excellence and to truly be in touch with my community. However, in hopes of having a more diverse experience in college, I chose to attend SDSU, a predominantly white institution— also known as a PWI— instead.
However, I wouldn’t say I’ve received a diverse experience at SDSU either.
By attending SDSU, I ultimately wanted to make a statement and prove to my friends and family that different people from different backgrounds could comfortably get along but I quickly found that this was not the case.
I was in awe and felt a strong sense of home when I first laid eyes on SDSU’s campus but in looking beyond the palm trees and the elaborate Spanish architecture, I was not so impressed.
I worked hard to get to this point in my academic career but there was still a constant thought in my mind that SDSU chose to admit me to meet their 4% Black student population demographic they like to maintain as opposed to my academic achievements.
I will always wonder that when my white counterparts sometimes do not know or care what a commuter student is as they are consumed with everything going on in their own world. This is just one of the many examples I have noticed when it comes to the difference between Black and non-Black students and their social awareness and regard for others.
I will always wonder when I go to class and see nothing but a sea of white students, why people think I am so lucky to have gotten into this school.
The bottom line is this: I feel uncomfortable here.
I am not the kind of Black girl that fits into the group of 35-50 people that make up the Black community at SDSU nor am I the Black girl who is “white enough” fill the space of the “only Black girl” in white spaces, Asian spaces and Hispanic spaces.
I wonder where I fit in as a Black woman at SDSU.
I came here because many of us love to want to proclaim the notion and experience of getting comfortable with being uncomfortable but what I realize is that saying is subjective. It means something different for me as a Black woman than it does to my white, Hispanic and Asian peers.
For most students, this means being comfortable with attending club meetings and Aztec Nights alone or talking to your professor after class in hopes they will remember you.
For me, this means being comfortable with the fact that I will be judged in most spaces simply because I am a Black woman.
People gawk at my skin, desire to touch my hair and plead to have a pass into my culture but how can I find comfort in being judged based on the color my skin on a campus that promotes diversity as one of its core values and visions?
As a Black woman, I have yet to see SDSU create any change when it comes to racial issues and I refuse to stay and spend my money at an institution that claims to pride themselves on meeting the needs of its students, but sends out sorry apology notices when racist incidents occur.
I refuse to stay in a space where I am ignored, undervalued and disrespected but I am counting on SDSU’s capability to bring forth change on its campus for the betterment of Black students.
SDSU can do more than just release a statement when a racist incident occurs or when discrimination happens in spaces on campus and is reported. They should do more than that.
They have a responsibility to do more than that.
I, a Black woman, need more than that.
If SDSU truly has and maintains the best interest of their students in mind, I want to see change happen now.
We won’t wait any longer.
Natalie O’Neal is a sophomore studying finance.
Such a complicated subject with so many perspectives and emotions involved. Food for thought, change has happened so gradually you may not even have noticed it. But it has been here for awhile. Probably most whites have not seen blacks collectively for many years. One of my best friends of 40 years is Jamaican who was upfront from day one, she is Jamaican. Others are black, but I look at them as individuals, not collectively. They are all very different people in every way. Some of how you feel may be how comfortable you feel in your own skin. Every person there, for whatever reason is looking for a group of people who think enough like they do to be comfortable with, regardless of their color. If you perceive you are being singled out due to your skin color, that is how you will filter all of your white contacts, regardless if that is really true. You are you! Forget you are black or any color, and the discomfort you perceive you are receiving because of it. Think of yourself like everyone else, and that is how you will be treated. Adjust your own thinking. If you do that, the whites around you will not feel uncomfortable in your presence and they will see you colorless. With all this racism talk, they are all afraid to be around you for fear they will offend you and be called a racist. I fear these protests are not only dividing families, but giving people justification for racism by lumping everyone together, and seeing them all as blacks, seeing rioting, looting, and burning in their wake We were looking at them individually, not after these never ending protests, especially during a Pandemic. Bad choice like the rallies.The goal in any speech is to make your point and be quiet. True in court, true everywhere. If you do not, no one is listening any longer. Be yourself at school! If you are a good person you will cut through this mess, and everyone will see you for who you are, a winner! They will want to get to know you as a person.. Don’t look at yourself as black, but colorless like everyone else. My Jamaican girlfriend loves to use the n word in our conversations. She cracks up. She knows our relationship is colorless. We can say anything to each other and be accepted. Don’t look through black eyes.Look through colorless lens. Forgive many of your fellow students for looking at you strangely, many have never seen blacks they could converse with before. It is not disrespect, but curiosity. I was in my late twenties after college in the late 70”s before I ever had any experience with any blacks. The curious just need to get used to you as a black. We all have preconceived notions, correct or not. I recall many years ago going into an all middle class black neighborhood looking for my girlfriend’s house #. All houses looked alike and I had not been there in 15 years. Every black person on every porch starred at me, and they were not friendly stares. Almost everyone was home at that hour. They did not see me as myself, I was a white. If they had a chance to get to know me, hopefully most would like me, but to them I was part of a collective. Give this time.Don’t push yourself on anyone, just be natural and they will love you for you, and forget all about color, for them and for you.
Again, just food for thought. Stop thinking about the term” racism”. In this day and age it barely exists. People are now, and have for a long time been judged on how they present themselves to other people. Are they like Trump, all full of themselves? Are they in your face? Are they loud in manner and insist on being the center of attention like my mother, who had no friends? Have they applied themselves and become educated? Are they desirous of supporting themselves and obtaining the tools to do so? In this day and age everyone can be successful if they want to do the work to get there. No one needs to blame others for their failures and bad choices. Supporting oneself is a big plus in any society. Are they good listeners? I could go on and on. You have done the work, you are entitled to be respected regardless of what color you are. If you pass on the above presentation issues, people will want you as their companion and friend. Not you personally, but people in general cannot force people to treat them a certain way. They need to figure out what is acceptable in society and mimic it. When they act like others, they will be accepted in that group as equals. Is the racism you perceive actually racism or is it poor presentation to the group by the blacks, and they are thereby rejected? Everything not racism is labelled racism these days. In my day and age when I was young no one was that sensitive. We let things run off our backs, made jokes and we got along great. Hated groups assimilated and became successful in 2-3 generations. It has been 155 years and 11 generations for blacks. Chinese, Jews, Polish, Japanese, Irish, Vietnamese, etc; became successful and liked, even with learning another language. I’m at a loss for an answer. Maybe these other groups were not slaves technically, but many worked for practically nothing in the beginning. You say you are tired of waiting. You are not waiting! You have figured out how to make it work. You are on the right path and are following true North. You will be successful. Don’t think of society as needing change. Play by societies rules. Blacks neither need, nor are entitled to special change from society. Like every other group, just conform to it’s rules and they will be treated exactly the same, regardless of color! Your words made me think and hopefully grow as a person. I hope these thoughts help you handle your situation as being one of the 4%ers. Think about staying and being a positive experience and friend to whoever you feel a kinship, black or white. It sounds like you have a lot to offer. If you can’t make it work socially, then I guess a move is warranted. Don’t just hang around blacks. My white college neighbor has several dedicated black friends who are great kids. Love them to death. Great influence on her!