HUMOR: Setting the record straight

by publicationarchive

The semester is grinding to a halt, which means it’s time to reflect on the post year. On news channels, the year is summarized with images that are collected and run sequentially at high speeds. I have my own personal reel running through my mind. Honestly, some of these images hang there and nag me.

This was my first year writing for the Daily Aztec and there are a few items I feel I misrepresented or regret subjecting to the public. Maybe if I come clean I’ll feel better. In addition, the record will be set straight just in case the fine print at the bottom of this column doesn’t protect me from libel accusations. Lastly, I’m hopeful I’ll take “my room” back at my sister’s house when I travel home for the holidays, which takes me to my first victim.

My brother-in-law

In a previous column I referred to my brother-in-law as “short”. As in, I didn’t want him polluting my family’s gene pool with his “shortness”. He took offense because his 6-foot-3-inch frame easily trumps my 6-foot stature. I was actually referring to his mental shortcomings, but that’s beside the point because “my room” is in question. It could be that I was feeling inferior, as his BYU Cougars regularly trounce San Diego State in football. Regardless, Patrick, you’re a giant of a man.

My roommates
A few months ago, I wrote a shocking expose detailing what it’s like living in a household with four Americans and three international students. Despite what I penned, we’re not drunks. We’re just culturally sensitive. I regularly honor our visitors by engaging in each of their country’s traditions. Unfortunately, traditions such as singing the Australian national anthem typically require the consumption of alcohol. All of the tolerance unintentionally adds up to a lot of drinking.

And the seedy living conditions I mentioned before? I also take that back. Say you want to peruse old copies of the Daily Aztec or any other periodicals. There’s no need to scour the Internet because month-old copies of all sorts of publications are scattered throughout the household. Anytime I sit on the living room couch a variety of literature is at my fingertips. That’s just convenient and encourages learning.

My dad
Early in the year I revealed that my dad unwittingly gave me a beer when I was four years old. I joked that the authorities would probably apprehend him when the column was published. He apparently did not see the humor in this statement and is now convinced he’s being watched. On multiple occasions I’ve witnessed him become shifty-eyed at the sight of a cop car. He’s also been especially careful not to accidentally provide minors with alcohol again, which I can’t imagine is very hard. Dad, I’m sorry for the publicity and the paranoia that ensued.

Sarah Palin
In my last column I took a small swipe at Sarah Palin. I was going to hold out on her apology because I thought she was politically irrelevant. However, if her recent book sales are any kind of indication, I’d better watch my back. Just look at the stories about her flying around in a jet, randomly materializing to viciously attack opponents that use “logic” and “reason” against her. Consider this my retraction; I’ll leave bashing her to The New York Times.

The kid I beat up when I was five years old
In a recent column I recalled the time a young me, dressed in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles attire, sought out and brawled with another child who was dressed as the Shredder. I’m not going to apologize for fighting the Ninja Turtles archenemy. Let’s face it, I had a moral obligation because the Shredder is pure evil. No, I would like to express remorse in case this individual, who is now a full-grown adult, has reformed his ways. On the off chance he read the article, I’m sure it reopened old wounds associated with being berated by someone in a green shell. Like a reformed convict, he should be able to rejoin society without having to be reminded of his past anti-cowabunga ways.

I hope this clears up any confusion. Next year I’ll try and keep it clean.

8212;Jared Whitlock is a journalism senior.

8212;This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Daily Aztec.