“Come on, Speed Racer, either step on the gas or get out of the fast lane.”
Chances are, you’ve uttered this phrase, or at least a profane version of it, more than once while driving on these San Diego roads. Trust me, you’re not alone. Although I’ve outgrown the middle finger phase of my road rage career, I’m still very active in the “mumbling-words-of-frustration-and-disbelief’” phase. Unfortunately, my bank of frustration keeps gaining interest every day.
Sometimes I wish I could channel my inner Tony Stewart and scold people about the rules of driving. Not the rules we pretended to learn when we took our license test at the DMV, but something more intangible: the unwritten rules of driving.
Rule One: Windshield wipers need water
After living in San Diego for almost four years, I’ve learned when a drop of rain splashes on the freeway, most drivers turn into Harold Camping and act like the world is coming to an end. Not only do brake lights instantly start glowing brighter than Carrie Underwood’s smile, windshield wipers get turned on faster than a frat guy at the Playboy Mansion. Once the downpour finally ends, however, the wipers stay on, and they stay on at full speed, carving grooves in the windshield like an old man performing surgery on his Thanksgiving turkey. Then, people wonder why their wipers have to be replaced every four months. Lesson: When the rain stops, so should the wipers.
Rule Two: Gravity is nature’s brake pedal
If there’s one thing that annoys me when I’m driving on the freeway, it’s people who put the stick figure stickers of their family in the rear window of their minivan. But if there are two things that annoy me, it’s when the driver of the Prius in front of me taps his brakes because either a) the road curves slightly to the left, or b) he’s going 76 mph and can’t handle the thrill of going 1 mph more than the speed limit. Then, he wonders why my Civic is four inches away from his “coexist” bumper sticker. Tip: When the road curves or the Nascar-like speed is too much to handle, just lift off the gas without touching the brakes and save my forehead from getting slapped.
Rule Three: Don’t shake it like a saltshaker
Contrary to rule two, this rule calls for the guy with the backward Yankees hat to keep his foot on the brake. Here’s the scenario: The light is red, he’s the fourth car in line, yet he continues to inch his dad’s Audi forward in the hopes of the light turning green so he can get home in time to watch reruns of “Entourage.” Then, he wonders why the lady in the Camry in front of him is giving him the stink-eye in her rearview mirror as he inches closer and closer to her University of Phoenix license plate frame. Advice: Rocking the car back and forth like an Etch A Sketch won’t make the light turn green any faster. Be patient, Turtle. Vince isn’t going anywhere.
Rule Four: Awareness is our friend
Attention. It needs to be paid. Last week, I was cruising along the freeway at a comfortable 74 mph, bobbing my head apathetically to Foster the People’s “Pumped Up Kicks,” when a balding gentleman who looked like Dr. Phil’s cousin thought it would be a good idea to merge his Miata directly into my path, even though he was going much slower. Then, he wonders where that sound of screeching tires and locked up brakes is coming from. Diagnosis: When changing lanes, look in the mirrors, check the closing rate of the cars coming from behind, use the turn signal and proceed accordingly. State Farm, and my brakes, will thank you.
The unwritten rules of driving have now begun to be written. I can only hope drivers throughout San Diego will read this and change their driving habits for the better. With my luck, they’ll probably end up reading this while driving in the fast lane with their wipers on at full speed, tapping their brakes like Michael J. Fox using Morse code.
Drive safe, Speed Racer.
