The unsaved student gets a lesson in life, sex — ‘homos’ Wednesday, on the Free Speech Steps at Aztec Center, a gregarious crowd of “amoral” college students listened and laughed as a mentally disturbed preacher entertained students all afternoon. I didn’t catch her name. The crowd was so loud her psychotic rhetoric was often drowned out, so let’s call her “Church Lady.” As Church Lady quoted the Bible out of context and fallaciously paraphrased the meaning and message of “the Good Book,” she peculiarly started to make sense to me. “Hey girls,” she said, “it’s a major no-no to refuse your husband sexually.” The enormous crowd seemed to agree as this assertion was met with jubilant applause and cheers, though mostly from male audience members. The Church Lady indeed had some interesting thoughts on what happens when one gets married. “This is what the Bible says — have all the sex you want!” I’m Jewish and have never read the New Testament, but I would have loved to have been in Sunday school the day they taught the Christian children about the time when Jesus said, “Have all the sex you want.” Man, Jesus was cool! Church Lady even ruled out common excuses for not having sex. “No pulling this, ‘I’ve got a headache.’ When you make that marriage vow, your breasts are his,” she said. Don’t worry, ladies, I did some research on the legality of this. It is possible to sign a prenuptial agreement so as to retain ownership of your breasts in marriage. Although I concur with Church Lady on most of her issues, I strongly feel if a woman legitimately has a headache, she should be allowed to postpone sex until the Advil kicks in. Warning the crowd of the religious repercussions of premarital sex, Church Lady spoke of an “everlasting lake of fire” where sinners would burn eternally. The audience laughed only to mask its intense fear of spending eternity in a lake of fire. Church Lady then, in a blatant act of subversion, gave away the tricks of upper-classmen and fraternity guys. “A lesson to you virgins. Watch out for these upper-classmen. Especially watch out for a lot of these fraternity boys.” I witnessed with a sense of pity as the “fraternity boys” in the audience became nervous, realizing their tricks were on the verge of being leaked to the audience. “Don’t let them get you wasted. And if they can’t get you wasted, they will try to get you highhhh on marijuanahhhhh.” The crowd exploded in cheer and applause as many crowds do when any recreational use of marijuana is mentioned. “And whatever you do, girls, don’t fall for the oldest line in the book. The oldest line in the book is ‘I love you’.” Unfortunately, she didn’t mention which book she was referring to or where it could be purchased. Church Lady went on to tell a real life story of a sorority girl who had lost her way. Unfortunately, this greek girl had fallen for the oldest line in the book and was giving her boyfriend, a fraternity boy, “the milk for free.” “One day, that sorority girl was undressing and she noticed ‘Ahhhhh! What’s that?’ It was a crab. A nice little love gift from that fraternity boy.” Although this was obviously a true story, I’ll admit the sorority girl’s luck was suspiciously unfortunate. She became pregnant, contracted syphilis and walked in on her boyfriend having sex with one of her sorority sisters. Church Lady felt her luck could have been worse had she contracted HIV. An audience member, obviously more informed on the ways one contracts HIV, commented on the possibility of contracting the disease through a blood transfusion at a hospital. The Church Lady retorted, “And you also might want to avoid hospitals. A lot of homos work in there.” The audience member had no choice but to drop his head in defeat, conceding he was no match for her superior intellect. It was at that point that I had to leave. Knowing I could learn more from Church Lady than from any class on this campus of immorality, I attended my Communication 300 lecture. On that fateful Wednesday, I learned a couple of things from Church Lady. First, no one in a fraternity is capable of love. If he utters the word love, he is trying to get into your pants. My only question is whether sorority girls are the same way. When they profess their love to me, are they only attempting to get in my pants? Second, I learned that I’m wasting my time dating. I should just get married to a Christian girl and have my own sex slave. Church Lady’s doctrine on life and love should be heeded like the word of the Lord itself. But her real lesson is that Christians are dangerously veering to the left of the hypocritical, hateful mentality that put them on top of all oppressive religions in the first place. Church Lady is only asking Christians everywhere to “keep it real,” so to speak. Christian churches now attract people to the religion with rock bands and a fun atmosphere. Isn’t rock music the work of the devil? Making church fun is cheating. How are other religions supposed to compete with that? When did churches end the tactic of frightening people into faith with visions of “everlasting lakes of fire?” I’ve attended church with friends and haven’t once been frightened or heard references to us Jews as “pagans.” Church Lady is a preacher from the old school, and I respect her for that. She also displays excellent showmanship. She would be perfect at weddings and college parties. I’d have Church Lady perform at my wedding reception so my new wife would know that her breasts now belong to me and she better not refuse me sexually. –Reed Albergotti is a journalism junior. Send e-mail to daletter2000@hotmail.com. –This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Daily Aztec. Let those without sin cast the first accusation By Rebecca Martin Guest Columnist Lately, I have been walking by the Free Speech Steps in Aztec Center on my way to class, hoping to see a few religious fanatics and hear them explain why I am not going to heaven. I find it entertaining, and I was not disappointed last Wednesday. A young woman, who had drawn a huge crowd, was explaining why anyone who has ever had sex is “whorish.” Most people there considered her a joke, and I laughed along with them. I laughed, that is, until I saw her pull out the Bible and quote from it. I don’t know why, but I became pretty angry. I have seen people use the Bible out of context in order to prove their own opinions are the Christian God’s opinions, but I believed most were easily distinguishable from what Christians really think. At those steps yesterday, however, I heard her speak, and it sounded like the words she quoted were
truly the opinions of all Christians everywhere, and the Christian God’s opinion backing them up. I am going to set the record straight. Christians are not the close-minded, “I’m right, you’re going to hell” individuals they have been portrayed as throughout the years. It is true that throughout history Christians have been tyrannical, conquering countries and forcing their religion on their inhabitants (including the Aztecs). I can’t deny that fact; it’s in every history book written since the 1970s. It is also true that there are Christians, such as the woman yesterday, who judge and blame everyone who doesn’t agree with them, but most Christians today are (or try to be) understanding, and individuals like her are giving them a bad rap. The Christians I know want to talk. They want to hear the opinions of those who disagree with them, and debate. One of the Christian clubs on campus puts out a bulletin board in Aztec Center sometimes, and asks people to post their opinions about God on it. They want to listen. The woman Wednesday refused to listen to any questions or comments from her audience. She did not want to hear any arguments that disagreed with her opinion. She yelled accusations (as well as several sexually explicit terms, which kept everyone,including me, laughing) and told all the non-virgins in the audience in the plainest terms that they were whores. If she actually read that Bible she was quoting from, she would see a passage in the book of John where Jesus says, “Those of you who are without sin, cast the first stone,” meaning anyone who has never done anything wrong before in their lives can judge others, and everyone else can shut up. Of course, there is not a single person who has never done anything wrong, including Christians, and they are the first to admit it. They quote this passage when asked why they don’t condemn those who believe differently than they do. Texas Gov. George W. Bush, a man well known (and satired) for his Christian beliefs, met with the Log Cabin Republicans, who are an openly homosexual Republican group, and quoted this passage when Larry King asked him why he met with the L.C.R. when their beliefs were so different from his. Of course, Bush has made many mistakes in his time, but I digress. This column isn’t about whether Christians are right. It doesn’t matter if they are. What matters is that they reflect what they believe. They are preaching a message of love and compassion, and they need to emulate it. They are doing their best, and the words of a few judgmental jerks should not count against their efforts. And to those few Christians who judge everyone who doesn’t believe the way they do — take a good look at yourself. Are you perfect? Do you really have the right to call anyone else a sinner? Doesn’t the Bible say, “For all have sinned”? Think about it. And if you still want to go out in public and call people whores, then stop using the Bible to back yourself up, cause you are making many good-hearted people look bad. –Rebecca Martin is a pre-journalism freshman. Send e-mail to daletter2000@hotmail.com. –This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Daily Aztec.