Excess Britney: Can you guess which of these recently reportedBritney tidbits is untrue? A) Britney will appear as Samantha’sslutty niece on Sex and the City, or B) Britney and her co-starsflashed the camera in a scene, later cut, from Crossroads or C)Warner Brothers is showing a mockumentary online called Britney 2032,portraying Britney as a washed up, overweight has been? Surprise,surprise — B and C are true. The chick’s life is more interestingthan the tabloid reports. Incidentally, news of the cutting roomflashing have inspired record-setting DVD advance orders.
Not arts, but definitely entertaining: Washington, D.C. isreportedly prepared to grant Mike Tyson a license to fight LennoxLewis, despite Las Vegas’ misgivings about the safety and sanity ofthe rapist/cannibal. Washington residents are concerned: George W.Bush has declared Tyson part of the Axis of Evil.
Litigation! Ow! Got to get down!: Soul singer James Brown wascleared of sexual harassment charges brought against him by a formeremployee in a $1 million lawsuit, but the jury did find him guilty ofwrongful termination. With damages expected to be announced, Brownissued a statement: “Don’t do me no darn favor, I don’t know karate,but I know KA-RAZY!!! (Yes, we do.) Get ready, that’s a fact, getready Mother, for the big payback.” Wow, that’s bad.
Celebrity Trauma-Rama From Any TeenMagazine
My BBF and I were planning a double-date so I could spend some QTwith the boy I’d been crushing on. My ‘rents weren’t going to let mego, so I arranged to sneak out of my house. While Aron, my BBF, andhis girlfriend, Mandy, my BGF, were waiting in Mandy’s Jetta, mycrush would stand below my bedroom window and help me down. As I wascrawling out the window, I had my period, and I didn’t even know! Iclimbed onto his shoulders, where I left big stains of crimson on hisbrand new, snow white Abercrombie sweatshirt. I was so embarrassed,but he went and told Aron and Mandy. Then he told everybody atschool, and I was forever known as “Menstruation Slut.”Trauma-Rama!!!
— Mary-Kate (or Ashley) Olsen
Around Town
Tonight: Alkaline Trio, Bouncing Souls and Lawrence Arms play’Canes. Call 619-220-8497.
Sunday: Aaron Carter, rumored to be getting under the sweater,over the bra with Jamie Lynn Spears, will “play” San Diego SportsArena. Opening will be 14-year-old-boy band Dream Street, “New York’sdefinitive teen pop music group.” For other ridiculous raves and biosof Dream Street, and to be red-flagged as a potential sex offender,go to www.dreamstreet.com. I downloaded the Dream Street wallpaper!
Tuesday and Wednesday: Mrs. John Murphy will lead the Breedersthrough two nights at the Casbah. Call 619-232-HELL.
Wednesday: Anybody who is interested is invited to my place tokiss my Aztec. His name is Miahuaxihuitl, he’s one of the Tlahuicapeoples of 16th century central Mexico and he has, unfortunately,never been kissed. Kissing of the Aztec will begin at 6 p.m.
— Sam “Jesus Built My Honda” Miller
