Courtesy of Wikipedia

Being a baseball player on a crappy team this time of year is rough. The offseason always makes me a little stir crazy. It’s kind of like just being single again after an eight-month relationship. You’re relieved that all of the pain, suffering and stress is behind you, but at the same time, you have no idea what the future holds. Nothing better is guaranteed, and you start to miss the small semblance of security you had, no matter how emotionally unhealthy it was.

Our team had to have been one of the most dysfunctional rosters ever assembled. We had guys coming from Asia, Africa and even Europe to play for us. We even signed this one middle reliever from the Middle East – Iran, I think. But it could have been Iraq, Syria or Jordan. Anyway, none of the guys were very friendly toward him, and the manager didn’t trust him. Before too long he requested to be traded, and he left. At least, that’s the official story. I’ve heard a rumor that our organization might have sent him to the minors and refused to release him.

Still, nobody made a fuss over any of the other new guys. We didn’t hang out with them or anything, but as long as they play hard, we really don’t care where they’re from. The Hispanics, on the other hand, were another story. It upset a bunch of us when so many of them were added to the roster, stealing our jobs. Our general manager explained to us that they’re willing to do the hard stuff that we don’t want to do, such as dive for balls and break up double plays – and that they do it for way less money – but we don’t care. We still wish they could just stay in their own leagues.

Our players from around here had their own issues. There were three black guys in our 25-man roster. Two of them were totally cool, perfectly ordinary ballplayers with no drama. The other one was this loud, poorly-educated, selfish jerk who just cared about his groupies, his jewelry and his stats. Guess which of the three the media loves to interview all the time?

Speaking of drama, we had to deal with that whole controversy of having the first openly gay ballplayer last season. Talk about a circus. At first, his sexuality bothered some of the guys, but we soon discovered that all he cares about is being a good ballplayer, nothing else. He hasn’t even hit on anybody on the team.

“Most of you are too fat,” he says.

The funny part of it is that he isn’t even the only gay guy on the team. The other one is just in the closet. I think his fear of being exposed affects his play because he always looks so nervous out there. You’d think he’d learn his lesson from the other guy. It’s not a big deal.

You want to know the real reason our guys have no chemistry? It’s the few hardcore Christians we have on the team who’ve been here forever. They don’t like the foreigners, they don’t like the gays, they don’t like the blacks – they don’t get along with anybody. What’s weird is that they always try to recruit the rest of us, preaching about how accepting their religion is, but they refuse to accept any of us for being the way we are. Also, even though they make up a quarter of our roster, they always act like they comprise the majority. I guess most of the team is Christian, but a lot of us just keep our faith private. It’s nobody’s business.

Another major obstacle for us is the manager. I know it sounds so clich