MEDFORD, Mass. – There are many kinds of physical relationships.
There’s the kind where two people meet in public, sometimes a little intoxicated. The setting is dark and full of loud, sexual music and raging hormones. We end up at one person’s place, and things heat up for that moment of instant gratification with total abandonment. We may not know each other’s names. We probably don’t know each other’s sexual history. But the relationship ends at that, and things are black and white: a one-night stand.
Then there are those gray relationships where two people aren’t in an exclusive emotional relationship but are definitely in a physical one. Not being “exclusive” doesn’t mean the relationship is exclusive of all emotions; when we’re so intimately involved with someone physically, it’s hard not to confuse that with real intimacy, whether we’re women or men.
Things might have started out as a one-night stand without any intention of stepping further. But when we woke up the next morning, we may have still felt a connection with the stranger lying next to us, even sans the beer goggles. We learned the person’s name, and now it’s stuck in our minds. Somehow, the next weekend, booze or no booze, we end up in bed, again.
Maybe it was the great sex that kept us going back, or maybe it was the sheer convenience, but somewhere down the road, we may find ourselves inconveniently attached to our bedroom buddy.
Many of us have also found ourselves in the situation where we hooked up with a friend, then realized we wanted to be more than just platonic buddies with them. Either way, we’re now caught in an in-between relationship.
First of all, we have to evaluate the situation. Because physical and emotional capabilities are so easily confused with one another, we have to be sure that what we’re feeling for that person is not just sexual attraction. As always, just because we’re hot and steamy with each other, it does not mean our relationship will sizzle outside of the bedroom.
We have to consider: Do we think to call them even if we’re not horny or drunk (or both)? Do we enjoy being together even when sexual activities aren’t in the picture? Do we even talk? It can be jarring to see our hook-ups with other people, but this jealousy could stem from possessiveness rather than real feelings for the person. Being physical with someone is unavoidably intimate, and that can put a lot of us in a vulnerable position.
If we realize that the person who’s fulfilling all our sexual fantasies isn’t going to fulfill our emotional ones, we have to make sure that both parties are on the same page. If only one person is looking toward steady couple-hood, then someone’s bound to get hurt. So, be direct and honest with each other. If both people decide that just hooking up is enough, then carry on.
It’s often harder to be on the other end. When we realize we like the person whom we’ve been bedding all this time, emotions can get really complicated. What happens if they don’t feel the same way?
If both people have the same friends, group dynamics can be affected. We have to decide: Is the friendship worth risking? Whatever the situation, we can’t help who we have feelings for, but neither can the other person.
We can’t force a situation that isn’t going to happen. If feelings are mutual, things should unfold on their own. If we’re physically involved but the emotional piece is at a standstill no matter how willing we are to move things forward, chances are, the other person doesn’t feel the same way. It takes two, remember? That sounds so harsh, but good sex alone isn’t going to get someone to want to date us. We’ve all heard it: Sex doesn’t equal love, or even liking.
Even if star-crossed sex buddies don’t make it as couples, we can all get over ourselves and be friends.
That’s right: Get over it. I know we can’t just erase our feelings, but hook-ups aren’t going to last. Once we find someone we actually want to be with in and out of the sack, it’s bye-bye for Mr. Only-Right-in-Bed. If we care about someone enough as a person to want to be with them, it can’t be totally out of the question to want to be friends with them, right?
If things really are unbearable, and we have to be with them or be without, then perhaps it’s best to end things completely. No matter how much we may feel they’re right for us, we can’t change the way they feel. It’s hard, but it’s the truth. We’ll find Mr. or Ms. Right-In-and-Out-of-Bed somewhere else. And trust me, there are definitely people out there who will be just as good – if not incredibly better – in bed.
-This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Daily Aztec.
