Not a girl: Britney Spears will never be accused of bringing thehouse down, but she is pretty good at burning it down. Spears, whocan add “plays with fire” to the list of habits that are a badinfluence on kids, started a fire in her New York City apartment lastweek when she went clubbing, leaving candles burning near a vent. Thewall combusted, but the fire department was able to put the fire outwith little damage. (“Firemen are such heroes, y’all.”)

Not yet a woman: Justin and Britney, what’s going on? No news isambiguous news on their relationship, but I just made up a joke.

Editor’s note: At this point Sam inserted one of the sickest jokesI’ve ever had the misfortune of reading. In the name of good taste, Iwas forced to omit it. If you want to find out just how screwed upthis guy is, e-mail him at lyricalkiller@hotmail.comand I’m sure he’ll be more than happy to share his disgusting humorwith you. I swear, sometimes it’s like working with a 5-year-old. Ahyperactive, super-intelligent, yet mildly brain-damaged, reallyannoying 5-year-old.

Always my Boo: From Lynne’s Corner, a diary kept atbritneyspears.com by Spears’ mother: “Jamie Lynn had a wonderfulspring break. She shopped, went to a dance, and shot a Cloroxcommercial on Thursday and Friday with two of her best friends. Wemothers had a great time browsing the little shops in the old part ofNew Orleans. I had never been in this part of the city before. It wasreally interesting looking through the antique stores. Brit and Jennyshopped every day!” Some people’s mothers just don’t have anythinginteresting to say.

My mom’s picks of the week

Music: Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young, “Find the Cost of Freedom”:”They had a song about being a soldier and laying down your life. Ithought, good grief, that would be popular now. In those days it wasanti-war but now it would be used pro-war.”

Books: Corrections, by Jonathan Franzen: “It scared me ’cause hehas the same parents that I do. It’s like, what, are all parents thesame? Has Madison Avenue created a homogenous people? It’s freaky.”

Tea: Mariage Fr