Posers. They’re everywhere. Go to Starbucks: They’re writing screenplays on their laptops. Go to Guitar Center: They’re playing power chords on a guitar they can’t afford. Go to … well, go anywhere in San Diego County and chances of seeing one of these hipsters are higher than Kobe Bryant’s divorce settlement.

Urbandictionary.com defines the term “poser” as “one who pretends to be someone (they are) not.” While a simple text definition is more than sufficient to describe the type of people who would fall under this poser umbrella, more specific examples are needed to fully understand just who these people are, what makes them tick and, most importantly, how to identify them by no more than a mere glance.

Writer Guy

This is the guy who takes nine minutes to order his coffee at Starbucks because of all his special requests and then proceeds to take a seat near the front window so everyone who walks by can see him. Why does he want to be seen? He’s busy toiling away on his laptop writing the next Citizen Kane. At least, that’s the image he has in his mind. What the rest of us see is a guy who’s using the MacBook his parents bought him for Christmas to write a terrible screenplay that’s never going to be seen by anyone except his anorexic, chain-smoking girlfriend. He wants to be seen as deep and intellectual, but the only thing about him that’s deep is that enormous coffee he just ordered.

Fighter Guy

This is the guy with a closet full of one-size-too-small Affliction T-shirts who orders every UFC pay-per-view event, and yet has never placed his hand inside a boxing glove. He struts around town like he’s the cock of the walk, hoping his steroid-induced muscles and false bravado will serve as signals of intimidation to others who might dare question his toughness. This attitude works on most of the population: That is, until he has one too many Heinekens and picks a fight with someone who actually knows how to box. All the muscles in the world are no match for proper technique, and his broken nose and torn T-shirt prove this. Thankfully, he has a closet full of backups. That’ll be the last time he picks a fight with that girl.

Football Guy

This is the guy who spends every Sunday watching the pre-game show, the halftime show, the post-game show and, somewhere in between, every play on NFL RedZone. He once spent an entire Thanksgiving dinner telling his Uncle Angus about the difference between 3-4 and 4-3 defenses. Yet, he weighs 140 pounds and has never worn a pair of shoulder pads. Ask him to throw a football and his form looks like a newborn giraffe trying to walk. All he wants is to be accepted by the jocks. I guess he can always do their homework.

Rock Star Guy

This is the guy with a punch card from Hot Topic that has more holes than an M. Night Shyamalan movie plot. He owns a T-shirt from every band that’s ever been on the cover of Alternative Press and his hair is dyed a brilliant shade of black. Unfortunately, his knowledge of music stops at his wardrobe. If he were asked to play a G major chord on a Stratocaster, he would curl up on the floor in the fetal position and urinate on himself. All the black T-shirts in the world won’t make you a rocker, if you think Robert Plant is a famous gardener. He wants girls to think he’s hardcore, but being hardcore takes more than just putting a Hawthorne Heights sticker on the back of your mom’s minivan.

Posers come from all walks of life, from the athletic to the musical and back again. Most can be easily identified by their attire, while others require an actual conversation before revealing themselves as complete tools. Whatever the case may be, be wary not to fall under the spell of these hipster wannabes. All they want is to be seen and admired for doing something they think looks cool.

Well, I should probably wrap this up. The barista in the green apron just announced my coffee is ready.