How to survive werewolf and vampire attacks

by Antonio Zaragoza

Antonio Zaragoza, Editor in Chief

By now, many of you have overcome the most difficult part of the Halloween season: deciding on what your costume will be and how many costumes to wear. Because, as we all know, Halloween at San Diego State is celebrated as many times as humanly possible before the actual day arrives and you wouldn’t be “caught dead” wearing the same old costume. This year, Halloween falls on a Wednesday, meaning most people have already been celebrating since last Thursday or Friday. You know who you are. So now that you are ready to hit the parties, clubs and dorm rooms, take the following advice on how to best handle encounters with some of the most ghoulish Halloween predators; vampires and werewolves. And remember, the 10-page essay you haven’t started and your grade are counting on you to stay alive. So pay close attention to his article, it may just save your life.

Werewolves

Werewolves are unique in the sense that they have the highest kill ratio of all the Halloween creatures. In other words, those who encounter a werewolf seldom survive. In fact, there are few protections against the beasts at all. So first and foremost, take close care in choosing your friends. The most crucial thing to know about werewolves is that when in human form, they act and talk just like the rest of us. It’s nearly impossible to discern a werewolf from a human being, and when you do finally realize the guy you had a crush on in your economics class is a werewolf, it will be because he’s tearing you to pieces. So as a general rule, if you’re not 100 percent sure about someone, assume they are a werewolf and avoid dating them on full moons. Most people know only a silver bullet can kill a werewolf, but before you head out to the gun show to buy your AK-47 remember this: Guns are not only expensive, but typically not allowed in public. Aside from this, silver bullets are astronomically expensive. So the price of a weapon fully loaded with silver bullets will end up costing more than the price of four years at a state college. Trust me, adopting a werewolf avoidance policy just makes more fiscal sense. One last thing on werewolves: Shooting an overly aggressive man-beast hell-bent on turning you into red strudel is hard to do. It takes nerves of steel to hold a gun steady enough to get a kill shot on a werewolf and let’s face it, most of us couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn let alone a raving homicidal beast of the underworld running and jumping around.

Vampires

Despite popular belief, vampires are quite friendly when they want to be. So before we get into the typical defense against vampires, keep in mind, the best defense for vampires is a good offense, which requires a friendly disposition. Remember, vampires rarely kill indiscriminately, they usually have a motive or vendetta for going after someone. Being nice definitely goes a long way with these blood-thirsty souls.

Other ways to defend yourself include hanging garlic around your house, wearing a crucifix and of course, avoid going out at night. Also, carrying sharpened wooden pencils can come in handy should you encounter a vampire at a party or while standing in line at Starbucks. Most importantly, remember this: Sunlight is good for you and bad for vampires. Also, avoid inviting suspected vampires into your home. It renders the garlic, crucifixes and holy water powerless.

So, to wrap up, let’s review a few things. When dealing with werewolves, avoiding dates with strangers on full moons greatly increases your survivability. Don’t bother with silver bullets because you can’t afford them and choose good people to hang out with. If you’re not sure about someone you’ve recently met, assume they are a werewolf.

For vampires the key is to remember that they have feelings too, even if they are the living dead. Being nice to a suspected vampire can greatly increase your survival rate. Have fresh garlic and pencils with you in case you need to stick one in the heart. On behalf of The Daily Aztec, don’t drink and drive, stay with your buddy, keep those pencils sharpened and have a great Halloween.