I’m conflicted about many things in life and I assume this stems from my indecisive nature. My inner self is like an outspoken Jewish mother who finds fault in everything. If my inner self is a Jewish mother, then my external self is her quiet daughter-in-law, who tries to evade any casual disagreement with her. As I meander through my daily happenings with my hair neatly tied and my mouth shut, the Jewish mother is fuming inside me. She’s been trying to get my attention about something for at least a month now and I figure that, in the same attempt to prevent any disagreement, I’ll indulge her thoughts.

I’m not exactly sure how one goes about removing a cultural phrase from mass use, but I’ve thought hard about eliminating the phrase, “God bless you” after a sneeze. I’m tired of saying it and I’m tired of it being said to me. I’m pretty sure we’ve decided to place slang phrases such as, “off the hook” and “all that” into storage, yet we’re still using a line from A.D. 77?

Let me fill you in on the history so we’re all on the same page. Once upon a bible, people thought sneezing allowed the devil and its crony, evil spirits to enter their bodies—I can’t help but wonder if people with bigger mouths took in more evil.

It was also theorized that a sneeze was an indication of your soul leaving your body. I’ve never been aware of so much coming and going from my own mouth. Hey, maybe my soul does deserve a break, eh? I can’t handle myself most of the time and I bet my soul’s exhausted from lovingly and spiritually guiding me through all of my life decisions. OK, maybe my soul hasn’t been guiding me at all and that lazy son of a gun just needs to take a walk and shed the dust. I imagine I’d keep it on a leash though, because, even if I’m not using my soul all the time, it sounds good to say I’ve got one.

Yet another theory proposed a sneeze meant God was about to answer your prayers. Well that’s adorable. So, that one time I got an allergy attack on New Years and sneezed about 10 times successively, it was God answering my prayers 10 times. I didn’t know I needed so many prayers.

This last theory stated that your heart stopped every time you sneezed and upon someone saying, “God bless you” it would begin beating again. It’s a miracle. However, if I can’t depend on my Amazon order being delivered on time, how can I depend on anyone to keep my heart beating? Seems like a lot of public control to me. It brings the imagery of a room of people deliberating whether or not I’m favorable enough to save as I stand frozen from a sneeze to mind. I can’t tell what’s worse—people having the power to deny me life or how awful and Picasso-like my face would look in that moment. I’d rather look my best when my fate is being decided. I think that’s a reasonable request.

That concludes my lesson. Now onto my biased opinion:

I have absolutely no idea why we’re still saying, “God bless you.” Unless anyone actually supports one of these afore mentioned theories, it’s just a vestigial preserving an embarrassing period of time when we thought evil was a physical entity that flew around looking for an open mouth.

All of this considered, I’ve been abstaining from saying “God bless you” as my own little, social experiment. Unfortunately, I can’t make an impacting statement with it because five other people vomit the words almost instantly. Hence, I’ve been called to spread word through this plea to get everyone on board with me. What you’ll find as you repeat my experiment is an inner urge to address the sneeze in some way. I suggest saying the German “gesundheit,” which simply means good health or giving a thumbs-up to say, “Hey, nice work! I bet you feel so much better now.”

I think what irks me the most about the “God bless you” phrase is that when you say it to me, you’re assuming I need God. Last time I checked, I’m perfectly fine after a sneeze and usually feel free and loose anyway. Don’t you? I actually like getting all of that phlegm out of me and the last thing I need is your “God bless you” keeping it in. Seriously, do you realize how counterproductive you’re being right now? God, don’t bless me.

Join me in my fight against this outdated, evil-believing, soul-walking phrase so we can join modern society.

Gesundheit and good luck.