The noise from the TV is steady and distracting

But it makes my head feel like it’s caving in.

I don’t know what this is,

This aching insecurity, the uncertainty and unexplainable tears.

I’m simply filling a space for which vacancy would be meaningless,

If indeed life is what it seems.

Now I’m lying here in the silence which is truly no better,

Here my thoughts are amplified and analyzed.

Some comfort may be found in a melody

But listening also makes me realize how much I’ve lost.

Not that I haven’t gained wonderful things.

Wonderful people.

But I used to believe in something with every aspect of my being,

I used to feel a love that was otherworldly,

Something that resonated with me beyond all expectations,

That chilled me to the bone.

And all of that has dissipated.

It’s been replaced with cynicism, escapism and a space I can’t seem to fill.

I look up and I’m scared there’s nothing there.

I know humanity is remarkable.

How can these beautiful, heart-wrenching, compelling melodies be written and played in such a way as to tug at my soul?

As to provoke my heart to sink?

As to produce emotions in me I can’t capture with words?

How can there not be a reason or a purpose?

Am I only trying to satisfy the primal need in me to reduce uncertainty?

To explain death?

Maybe.

Is there a reality beyond human reach or awareness?

Is reality even a concept if humanity isn’t around to conceive of it?

Logic tells me reality remains a constant regardless of humanity’s activities.

It is only subjective in the sense that it can be viewed from countless perspectives.

But my perspective is based on limited information and therefore is not complete.

As is the case for every human.

That is why the concept of god is so captivating,

A god would encompass every perspective,

Would take in every bit of information, would evaluate every aspect.

All of our questions would be answered.

As I’m left to wonder I fall back into a complex,

A bitter competition between my opposing motivations:

Either fulfill my potential,

Or end up defeated.

I know one day I’ll reach a point where an ultimatum is presented,

I know it’s my choice to make.

But I’ll lie here and let consciousness slowly slip,

And I’m sent into a different reality …

Sleep.

An alternative reality,

Perhaps more of an escape.

I find comfort in the prospect of my body laying stationary

Here, my physical self may safely remain

But my mind and my heart will be endless dimensions away.