The truth about San Diego State

by Caitlin Johnson

Dear prospective students and incoming freshmen,

As you traverse the beautiful campus that is San Diego State, validating your desire to have your parents fork out tuition so you can soak in sun on the beach, I’m sure your young hopes and dreams are brimming with excitement. You have your whole future ahead of you. Your opportunities are endless, and what better location to finally start making your parents proud than the jewel of the West Coast?

I’m here to tell you what the administration doesn’t want you to know about our amazing school. Yes, SDSU is envied by college-goers across the nation (sorry to hear about the snow in April, East Coast). It’s definitely the choice university for surfer dudes and skater bros. It’s true we have hands-down the best weather for any busty beach-loving, bikini-wearing babe. But life in good ‘ol SoCal isn’t all what it’s cracked up to be.

What SDSU won’t advertise is how the dress code requires said babes to be fully clothed at all times while on school grounds. Officials don’t want you to know that while the skater bros are definitely the cool kids on campus, they won’t look at you twice if you’re not fit to be in the gang. The surfer dudes are no better–they speak an unintelligible language that requires a spray-on tan just to translate.

President Elliot Hirshman and his crew don’t want you to know that as a pedestrian, your statistical probability of death increases dramatically the moment you step foot on the pavement in any of the parking structures. It’s as if every young guy on campus is practicing for the next “Need For Speed” tryouts. Hell, even the skater bros won’t hesitate to knock you down Campanile Walkway without a second thought. They’re as brutal as any biker gang, I tell you.

Not to mention there are simply no places to sleep at SDSU. A student body of 30,000 means every day, every single bench, library chair, desk, garden planter and walkway is bound to have someone already slumped there, sound asleep with the campus newspaper draped over his or her face. How is anyone else supposed to get some much-needed shut-eye? Those hangovers aren’t going to cure themselves.

So before you sign your application and slap a stamp on the envelope, take into consideration that things aren’t always what they appear to be. Yes, going to college is probably your last shot at making your parents proud in your lifetime, but the world is a cruel mistress and the truth hurts. It’s better for you to learn this lesson now, before you bleach your hair and buy those sexy flower board shorts you know everyone south of LA is wearing.

You’re welcome.