The gift of the mini-cactus

by KC Stanfield, Assistant Opinion Editor

When you go out on a date with a girl, it’s pretty safe to bring her a bouquet of flowers. But how exactly do you decide on which flowers to get her? The answer is really simple. You don’t get her any and should feel bad for even thinking of something so cliché. The only logical plant to get her is a mini-cactus.

Mini-cactuses are great gifts for every occasion. Mother’s Day, birthdays, Halloween (kids will like them so much, they’ll give you free eggs and toilet paper),  all good opportunities to give that special someone the gift that keeps on living. As a matter of fact, I’m going to make it my personal goal the have my family open Christmas presents around a mini-cactus (they’re really easy to decorate and set up too).

However, mini-cacti are the best kept secret of dating. They’re downright adorable, because everything small is cute, especially if it has little flower on top. But there’s more to the glory that is a mini-cactus besides simple looks.

Interestingly enough, this genius theory started as a joke. I was watching my brother play “Persona 3,” a Japanese role playing game, and he was going on a date with another character. For the item to give her, he foolishly chose roses instead of the mini-cactus and ignored my numerous sarcastic jokes about how “all women love mini-cactuses.” After he restarted — she hated the roses — he selected the mini-cactus and she loved it.

Once I retold this story to some female friends, I started to notice a pattern after the third “Oh my gosh, I love mini-cacti” came up. After that, the rest was history.

I don’t normally enjoy generalizing half the population, but every woman, at least in California, loves mini-cacti, even if they’re not aware of it yet. Sure, I’ve been happily single (at least that’s what I remind myself on Valentine’s Day) for a while, but out of the 40 or so females I’ve spoken to about this topic, only one said she didn’t like the idea and I’m going to die alone (rude).

If you give a girl a minicactus, she’ll instantly have a lasting impression of you — for better or worse. After receiving countless flowers, you’ll be the one who hands her a pot filled with dirt and a delightfully prickly mini-cactus. It might throw her off for a bit, but remain confident and she’ll always remember your gesture.

Another reason she won’t easily forget you is because that stubborn plant won’t die quickly. You’re making her life significantly easier by giving her a mini-cactus. It’s already potted so there’s no need for vases and water. California is in a drought after all, so not only are you saving the state’s water supply, but you’re giving her a gift that’s low maintenance and more difficult to kill than an action movie hero.

If you wanted to be nauseously cheesy (the phrase I also use to describe Cheetos) for an anniversary or something, you could always say something along the lines of “My love for you will never die, like this cactus.” Because at that point, she already knows there’s something a little off about you, in a good way — as long as you didn’t sound like a stalker when you said that.

Unless she has short term memory loss or throws it away (which are two indications it might best to see other people), it’ll stay there, reminding her of you with every passing glance. Now whether that reminder is of flutter-hearted infatuation or regret strong enough to give her indigestion is up to you.