End nears, nothing changes

by Chris Pocock

SAN DIEGO — In another blistery rash of pre-apocalyptic fever, billboards around San Diego are predicting the apocalypse will occur on May 21. Local grocery stores are experiencing hugely increased sales for items such as bottled water, sandbags and copies of “Jesus Christ Superstar” in preparation for the explosive event. Other items such as sunscreen, tequila and condoms have been in high demand by San Diego State students.

“If the sun’s exploding, I might as well get my bronze on,” said dermatology sophomore Jake Brawn. “Fist pump!”

Many others have shared in Brawn’s positive reaction to the end of the world. “If the Earth’s going to explode, why would anyone bother going to class?” asked sociology freshman Tiffany Bennett, returning to her paused game of Angry Birds. “I can finally beat this game. Damn white birds.”

Not everyone was pleased when the grim news was first announced via billboard. YouTube views of videos featuring puppies and kitties surged. Disneyland attendance rates were at an all-time high. Politicians put aside their differences and admitted none of them had any idea how to actually fix the economy.

But national sentiment shifted once citizens began indulging in past pleasures. Americans forgot about wars, gas prices and losing their jobs and focused on more important things.

“I just watched every movie Nicolas Cage has ever made,” sixth year film major, Denise Smith, said. “I guess you can say I’ve never felt so complete before in my life.”

“I quit my job, cashed out my school loans and scholarships and bought every Keystone Light in the city,” public health senior and Delta Upsilon Mu member Joe King said. “I plan on drinking them all and making myself a throne out of beer cans.” When asked how he’d spend his last day on Earth, King asked, “What? The world’s ending?”

Even members of the music industry warmed up to the idea. “It’s the end of the world as we know it,” said John Stipe, singer of R.E.M. “And I feel fine.” But not every artist shared in his sentiments.

“Time is running out,” Muse lead singer, Matthew Bellamy, said. When asked how we would all bite the big one, Bellamy responded, “Supermassive black hole.”

“We will become silhouettes,” argued Ben Gibbard of The Postal Service.

Others have turned toward religion before Earth’s last grand finale. “Repent, and ye shall spare yourself from the fiery fires of hell,” said local street preacher Ron Hardy, wearing a shirt bearing the words “I told you so” and passing out bibles and copies of “The Dummy’s Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse.”

But even given the rapidly approaching doomsday, nearly all Americans have continued working their day jobs. Unemployment, in fact, is currently at an all-time low in nearly every country around the world.

“Am I going to celebrate the apocalypse?” music senior Trevor Witts said. “Oh yes, I will. It’s going to be a blast.” When asked whether he would miss work on May 22, Witts responded, “Hell no. My boss would kill me.”

—Chris Pocock is a journalism junior.

—The views expressed in this column do not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Daily Aztec.

—This story is an inherent work of fiction and by no means true by any degree. Any similarity to names or events is entirely coincidental.