The McRib is greater than humanity

by Ahmad Dixon, Staff Writer

Since this year is wrapping up, I have  been thinking a lot about the past.

In the spirit of looking backwards, I present: Ahmad Dixon’s Brief History of Humanity.

“Editor’s Note: This may or may not be an accurate depiction of the history of humanity. Dates may or may not be accurate.”

Humans first evolved on planet Earth 5-7 million years ago in Africa.

It took McDonald’s until 1981 to create the McRib, so in my opinion the years between arrival of one of the greatest things to happen to humanity and 1981 were a complete waste of time and energy.

Humans first created tools around 2.5 million years ago.

These tools included spears, pointed rocks, AR-15 assault rifles and Apache helicopters, to name a few.

These tools allowed us, humans, to switch from a diet made entirely of plants to a omnivore diet, putting in motion the necessary components for the arrival of the McRib to planet Earth.

Early humans started migrating out of Africa around 2 million years ago, probably due to gentrification driving up of housing prices in traditionally working and middle-class neighborhoods.

Language developed 500,000 years ago, I think.

Scientists hypothesize the development of language to fill that awkward silence early humans experienced during dates.

The prevailing theory is that early small talk was about the weather and whether or not the sun would rise the next day.

As it turned out, the sun did rise the next morning.

Writing was first developed at about 3200 BCE by ancient Sumerians, so if you don’t like this article blame them.

Beer followed soon after causing many Sumerians to drunkenly write their ex-lovers a letter in cuneiform at 3 a.m.

In 2580 BCE a bunch of space aliens got enormously bored and created a giant stone Pyramid in Egypt just for fun.

Did you know that Pyramid is considered one of the wonders of the world? And people think aliens don’t exist.

Then nothing of note happens for 2000 years and Socrates is born in 481 BC.

Socrates is famous for his quote, “I know that I know nothing.”

I don’t know anything either, as evidenced by this article, but you don’t see me making people sculpt marble statues of me.

Although I am still waiting for a university trash can to commemorate me.

Anyway, Socrates goes around questioning people and ruining everyone’s good time by making them think about trash like knowledge, virtue and politics, leading him to be forced to commit suicide by drinking hemlock.

But before that, Socrates is able to teach Plato, who is less of a jerk so he isn’t forced to kill himself.

Plato teaches Aristotle, who probably knew even less than Socrates, and Aristotle taught Alexander the Great, who despite the name accomplished nothing.

The Roman Empire is founded in 27 BCE, conquered the known world, had some neat parties, fought some barbarians and fell because of reasons I don’t care enough to write about.

This whole time Africa, Asia, Australia and the America’s are up to stuff but I don’t know enough about those areas to superficially make fun of them.

I’ll just assume they also had empires that also fell because of other reasons.

Skipping ahead a few centuries because the Byzantine Empire and the Crusades are dull, we get to the United States.

The United States was settled by a whole bunch of white dudes who wore dumb hats and burned woman alive if they said their hats were silly.

In the 1770s a group of landowners traded in their dumb hats for dumb wigs and decided to wage war on the greatest Navy in the world because of taxes or something.

They somehow won and a new representative democracy was born in 1789 and would last until November of 2016.

The French will try to do the same shortly after leading to mass beheadings, the Napoleonic Wars, and an okay Coldplay song.

The 1800s were a happening time for the U.S.

It became a transcontinental nation due to Thomas Jefferson making a savvy real estate move and because James K. Polk shot a whole bunch of people.

The Civil War happened and continues to happen over and over again due to middle aged men re-enacting the damn thing every summer.

In the 1900s Europe would fall apart twice and take the whole world with it.

Then the world collectively decided that if it were to have another world war this one would be for keeps, so it created Hydrogen Bombs and surface to air missiles.

So far no incident too catastrophic has occurred, but all it takes is one spilled coffee on one control panel somewhere in either Siberia or the American Southwest to end all life on this planet.

Post-World War Two is plagued by proxy wars between the United States and the Union Soviet Socialist Republic, various coups in the developing world and the threat of nuclear annihilation.

However all of the above is small potatoes when compared to the achievement that is the McRib.

With 500 calories, 22 grams of Protein and 11 grams of sugar the McRib is the pinnacle of human achievement.

All events listed before this point fail in comparison to the majesty that is the McRib.

At only $2.99 the McRib is the perfect lunch item for those on the go.

Why not add a large Sprite for a dollar more?

I hope you learned something from this brief history of civilization.

It’s quite astonishing what we can learn about ourselves by simply looking back and seeing the trials and tribulations our ancestors faced.

Goodbye 2016 you now belong to the absurd, strange and terrible saga we call history.                 

“Editor’s Note: I have never tried a McRib, but there has been a confirmed McRib sighting on Monday, Nov. 21 at the McDonald’s on 2345 El. Cajon Blvd., San Diego.”