I’m writing this at a kid’s birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese’s. I haven’t been to Chuck E. Cheese’s in awhile, and I remember it a lot differently. For one, when I was 7 years old I wasn’t getting hit on by single dads. Actually, I don’t recall any of the miserable adults in general. But now that I am one, I want you to meet them.
The soccer mom
She’s large, she’s in charge and she’s yelling “Walk!” at every child, even the ones that don’t belong to her. When she received her kids’ tokens, she double-counted to make sure there were exactly 140.
She is writing thank-you cards, tying her son’s shoelaces and lecturing her daughter, all while nursing a newborn. She munches the pizza crusts her kids didn’t eat and drinks the neon punch, even though it’s that iffy “blue raspberry” flavor. She is really turned-on by the fact that she won’t have to clean up the mess her kids are creating with their torn napkin statue.
The softball dad
This is the nice dad who gave his wife a day off. He buys exactly $20 in tokens and intends to teach his kids the value of rationing their money. That is, until he discovers some shoot-“em-up game. Then he spends the rest of the time there trying to beat the high score of some guy named “AAA.” At that point, he gives the kids $40 and tells them to have a ball until daddy wins.
The hot mom
You can pick her out by her salon-highlighted hair. She’s standing behind her well-coiffed kid, wearing a cashmere sweater and holding a disgustingly expensive purse. She wears a really uneasy smile and says, “Wow sweetheart 8212; you really killed that zombie.”
She makes her kids use hand sanitizer before they eat. But Hot Mom doesn’t want pizza; she gets the salad. However, she soon realizes that Chuck E. Cheese’s is to salad like Taco Bell is to authentic Mexican food. So she settles for a tiny slice of pizza with the cheese peeled off.
Uncle bribery
The absent uncle has approximately five hours to buy this youngster’s affection. He carries the kid’s jacket awkwardly and gives him all the tokens he can handle. Meanwhile, he does a “ring check” on every hot mom, and manages to strike a conversation with every babysitter in the vicinity.
This is the guy who taught his nephew to get a free water cup and fill it with Sprite.
The Gap family
This family travels together in a unit. The parents hold hands and may be dressed alike. Dad and Mom both carry cameras; Mom has a little digital number and Dad has a large one with an epic lens. Their kid is usually a little girl who has her ears pierced and can barely walk, but the parents coax her into enjoying Dance Dance Revolution regardless.
This is the family that appears to be having the best time, until the kid starts screaming, “I don’t know why you crazy people brought me here! I’m only two!” Well, that’s what she would say if she could talk.
The employees
They all look deeply unhappy. I would too if I had to wear white tube socks and sneakers in 2010. If I had to pick out their cars in the lot, I’d find the ones with the community college parking sticker and a passenger seat full of McDonald’s wrappers.
Chuck E. Cheese himself
He was scary then, and he’s still scary now. I learned early in life that a big mouse equals a rat, and my time at the Hardy Avenue Apartments has only solidified that belief. I feel like there is a strong need to ramp up Chuck’s image. I suggest having him throw tokens into the crowds of children. It’s either that or hire Tiger Woods’ public relations manager.
I sound really bitter … I apologize. Chuck E. Cheese’s is a magical place where your wildest dreams can come true 8212; if your wildest dreams are getting sticky hands and sponge-apply tattoos at the prize counter. I’m just bitter because the kindergartner next to me won’t share his cotton candy. Fifteen years go by and some things never change.
8212; Kristen Ace Nevarez is a theatre arts junior with the second highest Skee-Ball score.
8212; This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Daily Aztec.
