For five years, I attended San Diego State University and majoredin philosophy. I spent an inordinate amount of time at Monty’s. Idated sorority girls. I wrote articles for the paper. I led bellyflop contests. I did a lot of drugs. I slept in until 11 a.m. Some ofyou out there might even remember me (Hello Phi Psi’s, Gamma Phi’s,and my friends on Lindo Paseo!).
I graduated from SDSU last December, and have spent the last tenmonths working for slave wages up in Los Angeles in the entertainmentindustry.
During my last four months at SDSU, I’d lay in bed in a drunkenstupor, fantasizing about what life would be like when I entered thereal world. New car. Cool place. Lots of money. A new date everynight.
Now I just lay in bed and cry myself to sleep.
Here’s some advice for you while you’re at SDSU. Take it. Readthese words like they’re coming from the mouth of God and heed them.Cut this article out and post it on your fridge. Listen to me!
No. 1: Sleep with as many people as you can. You’re in college.Enjoy it. If you’re in a relationship, quit it. Immediately. Justexplain to your significant other that you’re in college and being incollege means more than learning about life from textbooks.
You need some real world experience. You need to date as manypeople as you can now so that when you’re older you’ll know for surethat you’re with the right one. If you’re a virgin, give it up. Ifyou’re in a relationship, give it up.
No. 2: Be spontaneous and experiment, with everything you can.Never done coke before? Do it. Ecstasy? Sure, take two tabs. Buy thatKama Sutra book and copy the positions on every page. Girls: Grab aguy you just met in a bar, take him outside and well, just take him.Try different foods. Have a homosexual experience. Pee on the bible.
No. 3: Piss off as many people as you can. I constantly enjoygetting people all riled up. Why? Because it’s fun. Use your mind tochallenge as many jerks as you can.
No. 4: Ditch class. As much as you possibly can. Especiallygeneral education classes. Don’t worry about it. I’ve got 200 paperson all sorts of topics on my computer. You need one, I’ll hook youup. Go to the beach instead.
No. 5: Join a house for crying out loud. At least for one year.Drop all your pretentious “I don’t buy friends” attitude and havesome fun.
No. 6: Cuss. As much as you can and at every turn.
No. 7: Do you hate those organizational dorks? So did I. Buthere’s something to remember: Being the AS president doesn’t meanshit in the real world.
No. 8: Monty’s. If there’s one thing you absolutely, positivelymust do, it’s spend as much time here as possible. Buy a pitcherin-between class and show up drunk. Go there when it opens and staythere ’till last call. Enjoy this bar, ladies and gentlemen, becauseit’s magic.
And this last piece of advice is the best I can ever give you. Andyou’ll totally thank me for it. If you ever, ever have to take a dumpwhile you’re on campus, use the bathrooms in the old AdministrationBuilding, the one across from the library. Nobody ever uses them andthey’re always clean. And because they used to be the bathrooms thatthe administration’s paper-pushers used to use, they’re really nice.Great tile. Colored-stall doors. I love it in there. It’s like beingback in the womb.
Do all of these things I say. And do them now, because some day,post-graduation depression will set in and I could write a book onthat one.
H. A. Loudermilk was opinion editor of The Daily Aztec from 1996to 1997. Send letters to adrian.loudermilk@wriart.com.
This column is the opinion of the columnist and not The DailyAztec.
