Evan Donaldson is a molecular biology grad.Send comments to: edonalds@sunstroke.sdsu.edu
To all of my loyal readers, a bit of well-deserved fictionalsatire to end the semester:
(Kennedy Space Center, Fla.) On Tuesday, our national space agencyhad just about given up hope of regaining contact with the Mars PolarLander. “Well how do you like that?” asked Mission Specialist BillyMcClowry. “I guess we will just have to go back to the original planafter all. It just seemed too simple!”
When asked what that plan was, McClowry deferred to his boss,Mission Group Commander Randy “Tex” Manly. Manly described theoriginal plan as involving the launch of several large rockets, withdensely packed bags of U.S. currency in their payload. Scientistswould then look at the blast pattern of the currency of the bills onthe planet surface, “you know, how the 50s and 100s land,” to makeinferences about surface conditions.
When asked what would happen if the money never made it properlyto the planet surface, Manly responded, “well, we can just askCongress to print more can’t we?”
(Grozny, Chechnya) Russian troops issued an ultimatum over theweekend, giving residents until Saturday to flee the city or be”destroyed.” An official spokesman said, “We are only trying toeliminate the terrorists.”
When asked how his troops can differentiate between terrorists andnon-terrorists, the spokesman said, “That’s easy! The terrorists arethe ones who stay!”
Infants, the elderly and the infirm also may not be able to flee,the Russian said.
“Who said these aren’t terrorists also?” he said. “Besides, we cantell after they are killed whether the corpse used to be a terroristjust by looking at them. So far, all of the corpses have beenpositively identified as terrorists.”
The Russian official defended this identification method byshouting, “You arrogant Americans still think you are more advancedthan the great Russian Empire. We don’t need schools, roads, jobs orany of the rest of that capitalistic nonsense. It is all part of ourplan — we still have a few secret tricks up our sleeve.”
The official then slammed down his vodka and stormed out of theroom without further comment.
(Washington, D.C.) Johnny Winkle, the 12-year-old who killed threeand wounded 46 during a rampage in a Seaside, Ky. middle school saidhe is surprised at public outcry of his actions.
“Iweren’t trying to hurt nobody,” Winkle said. “I was only trying toshoot them — you know, you get more points if they don’t die. Themthree that died were just an accident. It’s just they shouldn’t havebeen running and screaming so much — it was distracting to my aim.”
“Besides,” he reminds us as he is being taken away in shackles tobe tried as an adult, “they get two more lives anyway, don’t they?”
In other news, Ego software, the maker of the KILL’EM series,denied that their best-selling game “Wound Your Classmate” hadanything to do with the rampage. Company spokesperson Willy Petersonsaid: “Any resemblance between the game and the actual event wasminimal. For example, our protagonist is named Billy, not Johnny.”
Peterson also said that it has never been shown that spending sixhours per day, every day for four years in front of glowing,fast-moving, hypnotic images that are being burned into your retina,has ever had any influence on a child’s behavior.
“The teen-agers who design our games are the most responsible,caring individuals, you’ll meet,” he said. “If these other kids haveproblems, it must be their parents’ fault.”
This column is the opinion of the columnist and not The DailyAztec. This is a satire. All names and places are fictional.
