The forces of the world pissed on me last Saturday when they gave me the flu during the most important test of my life, the LSAT. Needless to say, I was upset and looked for something to do to vent my anger.

When I got home, my woman smiled and asked me how the test went. I answered her with a right hook to her face. Damn, that felt good.

Domestic violence is a hot topic. News programs often report on it, talk shows frequently feature victims of it and its effects are debated by numerous scholars and experts.

But nobody talks about the benefits of domestic violence. A little domestic violence never hurt. It can help women hold on to their men, help men hold on to their women, help you get more respect, help you get better presents for Christmas and help you get better grades from your professors.

Use good timing to get better gifts from your abuser. Leading feminists have identified a cycle of violence. First, there’s a neutral period where everything is normal and boring. Next, there’s a period where the man slowly builds in anger and agitation. Then, there’s the violent incident. And finally, there’s the honeymoon period in which the man lavishes his woman with gifts and affection in order to gain her forgiveness.

Women can use this to get better Christmas presents. After Thanksgiving, start nagging your man. About two weeks before Christmas, get him really upset so that he strikes you. Then, sit back and enjoy all of the new gifts he puts under the tree. What’s worth more, the new Abs of Steel machine or a few fists of fury?

Get your domestic violence charge thrown out by saying your woman likes exotic sex. If you choke a woman during sex, it’s foreplay. But if you choke a woman when you get home from work, it’s domestic violence. It’s a double standard. The next time the police come to arrest you for choking your wife, just say it was foreplay. Any decent lawyer can convince at least one man on the jury to vote your way. Mistrial. And a victory for all men in shirts with yellow pit stains.

Earn your 15 minutes of fame by bragging about the beatings you dish out. A good domestic violence story will have the lecherous producers of Jenny Jones, Sally Jessy Raphael and Montel Williams begging you to appear on their show. Your face will proudly appear in millions of homes across the country. All of the girls who dumped you will be jealous of your success. My favorite show is Richard Bey, but you can’t appear on that one unless the wife you beat is a 500-pound woman with three teeth who happens to be your sister. Of course, don’t forget your gun because anyone who says, “You go, girl,” should be shot on sight.

Gain the respect from the women on campus by dominating them with domestic violence. All women like bad boys. It’s in their nature. Prove you’re a bad boy by randomly walking up to a woman and hitting her. That sparkle in her eyes isn’t unconsciousness setting in, it’s love. If it works for Bobby Brown and Warren Moon, it can work for you.

Keep your woman from running astray by making a few well-delivered death threats. When a woman wants to break up, many men try to make them stay by threatening suicide. That’s the wrong approach. She doesn’t care about you. She cares about herself; that’s why she wants to leave. You should always threaten to kill her instead. She’ll want to stay with you to protect herself.

Get better grades by practicing academic violence. Men have always been at a scholastic disadvantage in that they can’t sleep with their professors for good grades. Women, on the other hand, can sleep with their male and female professors. Lesbianism is chic, baby. You can make up for this disadvantage by beating your professors. If your professor gives you a “C” on the paper you spent a good 45 minutes on, rush to the front of the class and slam his head against the wall while screaming, “It was a good paper, wasn’t it, little doggie?” Then, hand him a Band-Aid and say you’d be willing to discuss the matter at his house, if you had to.

Earn millions on the lecture circuit by coming clean about your behavior. Tell the world you like to beat women so much it makes your teeth tingle. Then, tell the world that you can’t stop doing it. Finally, tell them the person who can stop you from beating women will get a million dollar reward. This ploy will give you free air time on every television channel and leading universities will pay you to come and talk at their school. Don’t worry about not being able to pay the award. It’s like masturbation: Religion used to preach that those who did it would go to hell. But their efforts failed because nobody can stop you from doing what you love.

Domestic violence can lead to all sorts of good things.

You can start a new club at school that teaches violence techniques. The administration will back your club with all of their energies and resources because domestic abusers are a minority in society and the administration is striving to create a diverse school.

As a school that strives for diversity in its academic programs, SDSU will start teaching classes like “The History of Domestic Violence,” “Techniques to Cover the Scars of Domestic Violence with Make-Up,” and “Beat Bitches for Fun and Profit.”

You can have marches to raise awareness about the benefits of domestic violence.

You can beat up women in the free speech area and no one will stop you. Hey, it’s no worse than burning the flag.

And if you start to feel guilty about inflicting pain on innocent loved ones, regain your composure by passing this little thought through your head: “At least I’m not Michael Jackson.”

As for me, I don’t really believe in domestic violence. I think it’s deplorable, despicable and disgusting. And I try to tell my woman that, but she just won’t stop beating me.

John Walters is a journalism senior who writes a biweekly Wednesday column for The Daily Aztec. His e-mail address is Johnthe2@aol.com.