It’sa time for candy. It’s a time for kids in ghost outfits. If you’resome people on my block, it’s a time for your drunken father to throwsh** out the window in an alcoholic haze of fear as trick-or-treatingmonsters invade his blurred world.
But above all, it’s a time for sluts.
Yes sluts, those fantastic, bare-skinned creatures. The muse ofthe frat boy, as they are sometimes called. Halloween is their night.
Suddenly their mode of dress is not only acceptable, it’s thenorm. And do they ever love it.
Every costume goes through a bizarre transmogrification from”normal dress-up idea” to “depraved cleavage display.” Women don’tsimply go as a cowgirl, they go as a “sexy” cowgirl in cutoff shortsand a halter top. They aren’t just a witch, they’re a “sexy” witch infishnet stockings with a plunging, Elvira-style neckline.
Even the girls who try to buck the trend (rather than the nearestguy) and put on an intelligent, “good” costume, end up making itslutty. Angel and fairy ensembles often turn out like this. Oh sure,they start out innocent enough, with a pair of wings and a tiara, butthey just end up looking like costumes from that Shakespeare porno Irented once, “A Midhummer Night’s Dream.” If you get the chance, youshould totally rent that one. It’s great: at this one part Lysandersays to Hermia, “Ay me, for aught that I could ever read/ Could everhear by tale or history,/ The course of true love never did runsmooth … which is why I will now freak you wild.”
Sluts are truly the backbone of the Halloween holiday. They comein all shapes, sizes and age groups. And the skills they bring tobear in the slutification of outfits are considerable. They can takeliterally any costume and make it slutty. Indeed, perverse joy isfound in taking the most sacrosanct costumes and turning them intosex-obsessed versions of themselves:
The classic “dirty, sexy nun.” Nothing goes along with a paganholiday better than making fun of the organized religions.
The Disney character. It’s almost too perfect. They’re like anitemized list of what you want to expose. Jasmine shows her midriff,Belle displays her breasts, Pocahontas her legs. Choose your bestattribute and get slutty!
Dorothy. The Wizard of Oz heroine has a deep psychological hold onthe American psyche. A well-executed “sexy Dorothy” is unstoppable.If you wear this costume you can expect the “flying monkeys” to becoming your way, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
And for those among you who perhaps haven’t fully connected withyour inner slut, the following is a short list of costumes availablefor purchase from a major Internet costume shop.
Saucy Pirate, Lusty Wench, Red Hot Riding Hood, Nurse Feelbetter,Sexy Vinyl Cop, Perky Viking. Each one is perfect, either for theuninitiated slut, or if a last-minute flirting opportunity presentsitself. With a pre-made costume there is no creativity necessary –the work has already been done for you. You simply provide thebreasts, and the willingness to give head (I think that’s actuallythe promotional slogan printed on the packages).
So sluts, embrace your time in the Halloween spotlight. This isyour moment, live it to the fullest. Sure you’ll be hated anddespised by the unslutty, but they’re just jealous, right? And thinkof all the men who have been looking forward to this all year. ForgetChristmas — the single man waits eagerly for the yearly Halloweenparty. Don’t disappoint him, get out there and do your duty!
In closing, I suppose that if I have learned anything from myexamination of this holiday, it is the following two things: First,Halloween is just one big excuse for girls to dress like sluts, andsecond, at SDSU, every day is Halloween.
–Charles Crawford is an information and decision systems seniorand assistant opinion editor for The Daily Aztec.
–This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of TheDaily Aztec. Send e-mail to letters@thedailyaztec.com.Anonymous letters will not be printed — include your full name,major and year in school.
