By Hubert VigillaSenior Staff Writer
Of course not. But it’s close.
Case in point: Screenwriters will tell you the most importantframe on any movie is the first one, the image that sets the tone forall thematic, structural and visual elements to follow.
In Crossroads, our first frame is of three girls digging, whileencouraging each other to “dig deeper.” I knew then that Spearswasn’t the only one going on a road trip; there would be two othergirls, too.
Oh, and me. One frame in and here come the waterworks.
The merits of this little indie-pic, though, go well beyond simpleimages of digging. There are images of Britney dancing, Britney inher underwear and, in an Act 1 climax of sorts, Britney dancing inher underwear.Though released too late for next month’s Academy Awards, we lookwith one eye toward next year and wonder, is it too soon to whisperOscar?
Indeed, films of such scope as this are Oscar frontrunners beforethey’ve been written. Few have tread so gloriously with the recordbooks as this, though. Can it possibly top Titanic’s 11 awards?
1. Best Original Screenplay. Never underestimate the difficulty ofdumbing down dialogue to fit the mouths of southerners, teenagers orwomen. Writers Shonda Rhimes and Trevor Jones meet the triple threatby inserting enough “Y’alls,” “Likes” and “Whatevers” to fill, well,a Britney Spears movie.
Beyond that, there is a simplicity to dialogue that recalls thebest works of a drunken Hemingway. “What’re you writing,” a characterasks Britney’s Lucy. “Stuff,” she shoots back. So banal it could bein a third-grade classroom.
2. Best Actress. Few roles ask their stars to stretch so much asBritney’s. She must pretend she’s unpopular, a good singer and avirgin. Just be thankful she didn’t have to put on 40 pounds,DeNiro-style. Despitethe challenge, though, she gives Lucy the sort of innocent debaucherySpears has in real life. Once, when talking about either penises orsnipes (we aren’t explicitly told), she drawls, “I have seen one,y’all.” Three or four dirty old men inevitably need to use thebathroom.
3. Best Supporting Actress. Taryn Manning and Zoe Saldana not onlyhave ridiculous names, they have nearly impossible shoes to fill:those of about a dozen standard characters of buddy movies. With justtwo friends, Lucy’s dirty dozen is stretched thin. Manning andSaldana make up for it — Saldana’s Kit is the black girl, theexcessively white cheerleader girl, the slut, the bitch and thepretty one, while Manning’s Mimi is the ghetto chick, the punkrocker, the lesbian, the pregnant girl and the perpetual victim. Suchdepth. Dig deeper.
4. Best Cinematography. OK, so it’s Britney in her underwear. Youdon’t have to be Billy Wilder to shoot it. You don’t even have to besober to shoot it. Still, the cameramen give it a beauty that remindsus why 8mm snuff film was invented.
5. Best Supporting Actor. Any guy who gets past second base withBritney, as Anson Mount does, deserves some sort of award. And thatis just the tip of the Titanic-shattering iceberg.
Go to the cinemaplex tomorrow morning, plop down $35 and watch allfive showings. Just be careful of what you step on inside the men’sroom.
