3,217 = Number of minutes the opinion staff members could argue on”Why did the chicken cross the road?” before finally agreeing on “Toget to the other side.”
10 = Dorkiness score (on a 1 to 10 point scale) that I receivedfrom the Dorkmaster 3000 machine during my interview to be a deskassistant; thus qualifying me to work as a DA in Tenochca.
$5 = Amount of money needed every week to do your laundry in thedorms.
$5 = Amount in quarters I get from the change machine in thebowling alley while pretending that I’m going to “use it on videogames.”
78 = Percentage of American population that is against humancloning (according to Rasmussen Research).
21,738 = Number of Elliot Holts that must be cloned in order toachieve my life’s goal of creating a satirical list that goes all theway from New York to San Diego.
729 = Number of times I’ve heard the phrase “Your mom is my bitch”by drunk people at 3 in the morning this year in front of the dormswhen everybody is trying to fall asleep.
348 = Number of eggs people in the dorms need to throw atlate–night yellers before they will finally shut up.
12 = Number of minutes it takes to find an open parking spot inone of our school’s parking lots.
3,160 = Number of minutes of waiting it takes to get on one ofthose leg glider machines in the ARC.
76,421 = Estimated amount of beers drunk by SDSU students tocelebrate our basketball team getting into the March Madnesstournament.
100 = Percentage of sports bets that I lose, forcing me to findother ways to bet my money — such as betting on Family Feud with mybrother (hey Cliff, I’ll bet you 5 bucks that “Canada” is the No. 4answer).
11,000 = Number of people who will read this article.
174.3 = Amount of days people have spent reading all of myarticles I’ve written this year (trust me, I did the math with one ofthose TI-86 calculator things).
168 = Number of days I have been a student at SDSU.
1 = Ranking of Malcolm in the Middle in contest for “crappiestshow on TV” title.
2 = Number of square inches the average person has to dance inClub Safari on any given Saturday night.
100 = Percentage of SDSU students who are laughing at those crazyFree Speech Steps preachers.
0 = Number of girls who swoon when they hear my, “So … goingdown?” elevator pick-up line.
1 = Ranking of organic chemistry on Elliot’s “crappiest classes totake” list.
40 = Elliot’s estimated percentage of people who walked past mewhen working Friday night who gave me that “You’re a dork for workingon Friday night” look.
26 = Number of hours it is possible to get lost in AdamsHumanities before finding the way out.
75 = Percent chance that any of those free movies they show aregoing to suck.
1 million = Number of sit-ups I must do to achieve my goal ofbecoming Mr. October in next year’s Men of State calendar.
.0001 = Number of seconds it would take for you to die if you atesomething
off the floor in the dorm showers.
0 = Number of beer-drinking games I’m good at.
465,903 = Number of beers I’ve had to drink as a result of mysuckiness at these games (Note to self: Tell Mom I didn’t get in thenewspaper this week).
1 = Ranking of “Spoons” on best beer-drinking games list.
3 = Number of people who read the Kiss My Aztec’s 8th pagecomments making fun of me. This is based on the fact that 99 percentof its readers throw away the Kiss My Aztec by the second page whenthey realize how much it sucks.
1 = Number of proposed new school referendums I voted for (the onethat gives scholarships to poor students), for the sole purpose of”pissing off” you Republican folk.
–Elliot Holt is an undeclared freshman.
–This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of TheDaily Aztec. Send e-mail to letters@thedailyaztec.com.Anonymous letters will not be printed — include your full name,major and year in school.
