I would like to thank all those who sent flowers or cards following my recent back surgery. I’m very pleased to report that the surgery was a complete success, and I will soon be back to my old self:tear-assing around the house, frightening the cats, and eating bars of soap like it was going out of style. Yay!

Of course, I don’t want to dwell on my recent travails other than to comment on an epiphany I received while having an MRI. Of course, having the MRI was quite a trial by itself. Besides being stuck in an artificial cave and having my molecules rearranged, I simply don’t have the patience to stay perfectly still for any length of time. They kept telling me to be still, and I kept saying, “Look, I’m a dog; it’s not in my nature to be still!”

So they sedated me. And as I drifted off to sleep, surrounded by the expensive machinery, and the stainless steel and the geeks in lab coats, it suddenly hit me that I’d never had sex. It’s not that I had a sudden desire for it. I didn’t feel any strong urge to scream out, “Get me a female!” I was snipped at six months, and any proclivities I might have had are long since vanished. Nor was I particularly sad. I did not become wistful for things which might have been. No, it was more a cold dispassionate realization that I had never had, and would never have, a sexual relationship.

I must say I had never thought about it at length. Perhaps I’m even lucky. Sometimes it seems like more trouble than it’s worth. I often observe human courtship rituals and usually want to laugh out loud. For instance, I often hear the clich? “No really means yes.” What’s the point of having language skills if your words lose their meaning? As far as dogs are concerned, no is definitive, since it is often backed up by very sharp teeth. Of course, in canine vernacular, no answer also qualifies as a yes, as in the case of table legs, halogen lamps, and those little round concrete barriers for pedestrian walkways (ouch!). Dogs can be annoyingly unselective.

But the thing that is strangest about humans is their attitudes about their own sexuality. Canines understand each other. We’re dogs and we act the part. Humans tend to be overly critical. They’re critical of the opposite sex, they’re critical of their own sex, and they’re especially critical of anyone who does not fall into any of their neatly ordered categories.

Males tend to be the worst offenders. Combine a keg, a dozen men, and a discussion of homosexuality, and you will eventually hear the phrase, “I’d kick his ass.” This of course is the highest form of evolutionary stupidity, since gay men have voluntarily removed themselves from the gene pool. It would be like me getting into fights with other dogs because they did not want to eat my biscuits. Homophobic human males should do the math: less competition equals more for you. Given the choice between knowing a gay man or having him go straight and sleep with your girlfriend seems like a no-brainer to me.

Human females seem to have healthier attitudes about gays to begin with. It may be a relief to spend time with a man who isn’t going to start pawing them the first chance he gets. Of course, attitudes concerning lesbians are more complicated. Since human males tend to treat human females like property, it must make them uncomfortable when female decide to revoke their title.

Personally, I don’t understand what all the fuss is about. People are what they are. Accept it and move on. However, I did feel a great deal of empathy for gays and lesbians as I was being wheeled through the hospital on the way to the MRI. The procedure was being done at 4 a.m. because it was easier to sneak a dog into the human hospital at that time. I guess some humans might object if they found they were sharing the same machine with a springer spaniel. I was completely covered by a sheet, like a corpse so no one would see me being taken in for the test. Later on it occurred to me that some people must live their entire lives like that; covered up and only showing the world what it wants to see. I believe this is starting to get better. But it does humans no credit that they have created a society which encourages its citizens to hide who they are. I’m proud to acknowledge that dogs just don’t care. Perhaps evolution isn’t such a good idea after all.

Opinion Jake: Superpooch has been on vacation, eating birds. He’ll be back in two weeks with more exciting canine conversation.