Every year during this season, it’s the same old thing. AllGod-fearing children are eating chocolate eggs and wearing sillyhats, and atheist children are getting a second hand celebration.Sure, the baskets of candy takesome of the spotlight away from the martyr dying for humankind, butif you don’t believe in God, magical bunnies are certainly out of thequestion.
Then there are the children eating matzo and thanking Jehovah forraining frogs and gnats on Egypt thousands of years ago. Atheists caneat kosher, and will enjoy the abundance of wine at the celebration,but most won’t understand the Hebrew used during the Seder and mightfall asleep.
What’s an atheist to do?
An atheist-sponsored holiday is long overdue. However, finding aholiday for atheists to celebrate can be a difficult task, since theydon’t believe in anything. A holiday must be invented for them.
On the first Friday after Easter, they’ll have a “Darwin Day,”signifying the night Darwin was born (of course, Darwin wasn’t reallyborn that day, but Jesus wasn’t born Dec. 25 either). The kids willwake up early to find fish with legs hiding in houseplants, and thefirst to bring their “fish” to Mom and Dad will win a chocolate ape.
Then they’ll play the next game, Survival of the Fittest. It willconsist primarily of Nerf bats and open space. The winner will get achocolate human, while the losers won’t be able to eat solid foodsfor the following month. The day will end with a motorcycle ride, asmoke of the ceremonial cigarette and a fireworks show, affirmingman’s insatiable need to help evolution along.
Darwin Day is a piece of cake though, compared to the end of theyear. Eventually Christmas, a super-holiday extravaganza, willarrive. Sure, some attention has been diverted from Jesus’ birth to afat old man breaking into houses and putting packages under treesthat sit in people’s living rooms. Still, Christians are the foundersof the holiday. When Linus recites the word of God during the CharlieBrown Christmas Special each year, Christians are gloating: “In yourface, nonbelievers! Booyaah!”
However, Christians don’t control all the end-of-year turf.Hanukkah and Kwanzaa are the other major celebrations sharing theholiday-jammed month of December. Yet, if we can fit all theseholidays in one month, surely we can wedge another in theresomewhere.
On Dec. 20, agnostics can celebrate a holiday of their own. Whenthe children wake up, there will be candy left all over the house instrange places the children have to find. But instead of inventing amythical creature to deliver the candy, the children will say,”There’s no way we can possibly comprehend how this candy got here,so let’s just enjoy it and not worry about it.”
Later, the kids can gather around the table and discuss life’smost probing questions. This part of the celebration will take about10 minutes, since the answer to every question will be, “There’s noway to know for sure,” or as the young people put it, “Whatever.” Tofinish off the night, the family will have a brawl a la Thanksgiving,and someone will “come out” as a closet Christian, to the family’sdismay. Afterward, everyone gets cake.
These holidays will eventually catch on with the mainstream, andmaybe a television sitcom will devote an episode to a dispirited8-year-old who learns the true meaning of “Indifference Day.” Thennonbelievers will be truly represented in mainstream culture, andeveryone can dance a jig.
–Rebecca Martin is a journalism sophomore.
–This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of TheDaily Aztec. Send e-mail to letters@thedailyaztec.com.Anonymous letters will not be printed – include your fullname, major and year in school.
