Beloved “Papa” Doug Manchester,
You make us feel things we’ve never felt before. The way you stand up to the liberals and their gay agenda makes us want to give you a standing ovation. No one before has made the far right feel so wrong, yet so good. In local real estate, you plowed in ways no one had, erecting high-rises bigger than anything we’d ever seen. Sometimes we catch ourselves just sitting and staring at Manchester Hall. Afterwards we go home, take a cold shower and dry off with copies of our beloved U-T San Diego.
With love, lots and lots of love,
The Daily Aztec’s confused conservatives
Dearest Dagmar Midcap,
Your smiling face belongs here in this sunny climate, providing accurate and insightful weather forecasts for us, your faithful viewers. Nobody rocks pencil skirts and V-neck sweaters quite like you, and it’s safe to say you’ve taken our hearts by storm. There hasn’t been a cloud in sight since you arrived in town, as far as we’re concerned. There’s no barometer capable of measuring the pressure we feel when we think of you. We’ve even been prone to emotional flurries. At this point you might be wondering, “Is that a Doppler radar in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?” We’re just happy to see you.
Sincerely with rising humidity,
The Daily Aztec’s weather fans
Dear Artie Ojeda’s mustache,
We have often admired you from afar. We watch you on TV in high definition when possible, lending your master an unrivaled sense of gravitas. The moment you enter a room, all eyes fall on you in admiration. As struggling journalism mustaches, we look up to you, hoping to one day have a fraction of the supple fullness you possess. There is so much we wish to learn from you. We mustache you a question, but we’ll shave it for later.
With love and jealousy,
The Daily Aztec’s struggling, patchy facial hair
Dear Mayor Bob Filner,
Thank you for making us believe in love again. Before you came along, we were heartbroken and depressed; we thought no one could make us feel the way Randall “Duke” Cunningham had. Sure, we’d heard stories about you charming your way through the halls of Congress. But nothing could prepare us for your mayoral campaign. It was love at first sight. When we saw you debate, hurling vicious attacks and baseless accusations, we knew we’d never leave you. When you moved in, we were worried you’d change and lose the spark that made us fall in love. We’re glad to see you haven’t. The San Diego City Council has become a bizarre three-ring circus of intrigue, personal feuds and pointless political posturing, and for that we thank you. There’s no one else we would rather have occupying our mayoral seat, if you catch our drift.
Sincerely,
The Daily Aztec’s hopelessly romantic political junkies
