Big, beautiful green eyes

by Ana Ceballos

I consider myself a lucky gal. I found the one for me at age 21. I found happiness just by staring into his big, beautiful green eyes and touching his soft, black hair. Our first encounter was so magical, I literally couldn’t sleep for days (yes, I know the definition of the word literal and I used it correctly). It took him a while to adjust to my busy lifestyle—everyday I leave my apartment at 9 a.m. and usually don’t return until he is fast asleep in front of the TV. By then he is too tired to play with me. I could tell it made him second-guess our relationship at first, but when it was time for bed, he would always crawl in next to me.

He listens to all of my problems and never judges me when I sit in front of the TV all day eating buckets of chocolate ice cream while watching embarrassing reality TV shows. He genuinely likes my fuzzy pink socks and even massages my feet when I’m doing homework. This might be superficial of me, but he has the softest hair I’ve ever seen on a male. Our bond was unbreakable, or so I thought.

A few months ago, we started having problems. A new man came into my life; he is handsome, funny, smart and also has beautiful green eyes (damn, those green-eyed hunks). The dilemma started when this new man became my boyfriend. Snooks, my cat, did not approve of the situation and made it very obvious.

Almost immediately after my human relationship started, Snooks rebelled against my clean apartment by leaving brown swirly presents on my bathroom rug and abnormally large decapitated moths on my kitchen counter. I started getting anxious when the rebellion wouldn’t stop and had to resort to extreme measures when the cat farting began (if you are a proud cat owner, you know the latter should never be pardoned).

It was tough and, despite all the articles I read on, which gave me a step-by-step guide to having a harmonious home with my cat, nothing helped. I bought him presents with catnip in them, thinking the highness might alleviate the jealousy, but nothing changed. I over-fed him kitty treats, hoping he would be too full to be angry, but he just became an angry fat cat and I still found purposely misplaced feces in my apartment every other day (bigger than usual, I might add).

For a few weeks, I told my boyfriend not to come to my house. The thought of their first meeting, which instigated all of this, made me scared to think my cat would slit my boyfriend’s throat as he peacefully slept.

This brings me to the first time they met. I left the room for a couple of minutes and found my boyfriend, a dog lover, chasing my cat around the apartment. I heard low meows and human grunts for a good two minutes before I stopped the situation. My boyfriend said the chase was playful and started because Snooks pulled his hair when he was sitting on the couch. Snooks says my boyfriend was chasing him to throw him off the balcony. I think someone is lying.

I have to admit it would be easier to get rid of the boyfriend—maybe change my phone number and tell him I moved to Tennessee. Yes, I love him, but how could I handle leaving my cat at a shelter where he’ll be put in a cage surrounded by sad-looking animals? Snooks is part of the elite and could not handle that—he needs kitty treats every other hour.

Things began to get better around Christmas. My boyfriend bought Snooks more toys infested with catnip and decided to put things in the past. Snooks was hesitant at first, thinking maybe the toys were poisoned, but then came around and they started getting along for the first time in months. Thank you, Jesus, for being born and giving us a holiday where presents are given.

The three of us now have an agreement—they get to share me and I get to have a relationship with two men at one time. I approve of this agreement and I think they do, too. Snooks just farts on my boyfriend’s face most nights and my boyfriend stopped playing with him as if he were a dog.

Yes, it’s an unusual threesome, but now we can all bond in my apartment without worrying about cats clawing humans or stinky poops being stepped on at 2 a.m. in the bathroom. But I have to say, Snooks is still the owner of my heart. After all, cats are planning world domination one girl at a time.