Whenever someone asks me, “What is your ideal guy?” I tend to go for the obvious, immediately rattling off the physical attributes I find most appealing: tall, tan, muscular, brunette, blue or green eyes and a mouth of pearly whites. Plus, having a defined jaw line doesn’t hurt, not to mention an athletic frame, plus or minus a six-pack of abs reminiscent of a Calvin Klein model. If I could design the perfect man, he would be some combination of these traits.

Before you peg me as a superficial Barbie doll, I also  have a list of personality characteristics I would like my partner to have, such as honesty, respect and compassion. In addition, I’ve always been the first to admit I can be shallow when it comes to the opposite sex. It’s one of my flaws, and I’ve always accepted that as being a part of who I am. I tend to rationalize it for myself, thinking I have to be physically attracted to someone because the attraction is the initial spark of any relationship.

We’ve all heard the adage “beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” which is true. Have you ever seen certain couples and wondered how in the world they ended up together? Clearly they found something attractive in one another, whether it’s looks or personality.

Some think a person’s personality can be the most attractive thing about someone and is often what draws him or her when the outward appearance isn’t initially compelling. Though I’ve experienced the latter and can attest to its truth, I’m determined to find someone isn’t only beautiful on the outside, but on the inside as well.

In my experience, I’ve always found guys on either end of the spectrum. Either they were gorgeous and seriously lacked positive character attributes, or they were wonderful, funny and charming but not physically appealing. And when I did find the combination of the two, they were either already in a relationship or gay. For as long as I can remember, this has felt like a curse.

“Why can’t I find the whole package? Is that too much to ask for?” I would begrudgingly preach to the heavens above.

So I’d drown my sorrows in the world of romantic comedies and popular TV shows, lusting after the fictional Hollywood men I wanted to clone for myself.

My way of thinking involves a biological trigger in my genes that causes me to fixate on a man’s physical embodiment. If we look back in time, evolution shows how the first humans selected mates. Cavemen selected women they deemed as young and fertile, while women chose partners they considered strong and reliable. While cavemen are ancient and based in a time when survival was of the essence, when put in today’s terms, it may not seem too far-fetched to think we hold a similar mindset. Men often watch pornography and go to strip clubs and bars to surround themselves with beautiful and sexy women. But women aren’t innocent either; just think of the reasons why you and your girlfriends went to see “Magic Mike.”

A friend of mine told me about a dating app called Tinder, which pairs people with a mutual interest in one another. Unlike other online dating platforms, there are no profiles to read and no questions to answer on Tinder. You simply scroll through user photos and put them into a “Nope!” or “Like!” pile. It speeds up the process, but you have nothing else to judge people on other than their appearance.

I was shocked by how degrading this method is. How are you supposed to know what kind of people they are if you disregard them completely in two seconds? The sad thing is, we make such quick judgments every day and most of the time, we don’t give it a second thought.

I had a change of heart when I recently found myself having feelings for someone who, on the surface, isn’t what I’ve always considered to be my “type.” My attraction to this person was not about his looks. It was the way he carried himself, his caring nature toward those around him and his zest for life. I began to realize that the narrow vision I always held had been more restricting than I ever thought. Instead of preventing me from “settling,” my high expectations for my dream man held me back from discovering who else might be out there—possibly someone I might be compatible with, but whom I never let myself find.

Let’s face it—the “perfect” man or woman doesn’t exist, and our quest to find him or her is futile. While we’re on the hunt for someone who meets a specific set of criteria, we could be missing out on other amazing people without ever knowing it. It’s good to have standards, but the key is to not set them so high that no one could ever measure up, because in the end, beauty fades. So instead of looking for my Ryan Reynolds look-alike, it might be time to put down my list and open my heart.