I watched the first presidential and vice presidential debateslast Tuesday and Friday, and I was going to write a serious column ifI learned there was no hope for my favored candidates to be elected.True,anything can happen, but that’s not what I mean.

Everyone was so surprised that George W. Bush was a competentdebater, and that Al Gore was not coronated victor, as I thoughtwould happen, after sending W. running off the stage ‘to make a phonecall.’ I actually learned a few things from watching the debates,which surprised me.

The presidential debate:

I learned having a bald spot is OK if you don’t turn around.

I learned I can still be surprised by boring establishmentpolitics. For example, the debate was incredibly substantive. I wasnot surprised by the substance’s content; I was surprised there wasany. I was so surprised that I, though I tried real hard, could notbecome bored.

I learned wealthy people who are United States citizens are notAmerican people. According the San Diego Union-Tribune, Gore says,”…the surplus is the American people’s money; it’s your money.That’s why I don’t think we should give nearly half of it to thewealthiest 1 percent….” So, if the wealthy aren’t people, can wehave a communist revolution and do what we want with them? Let’sleave that question to the next debate.

I learned that, though conservatives and liberals alike spun W. asthe incompetent, blathering fool, things do not turn out as we hadexpected. W. had every right to be nervous debating Gore, but I wassurprised when the phrase “stiff as a board, dynamic as a golf ball”took a leftward turn.

I learned television has come a long way since the 1960Nixon-Kennedy debates. One listening to Bush-Gore by radio would bevery disturbed by the mysterious sighs arising every time Bush spoke.He might assume Bush’s vocal cords or manners were at fault. However,one watching TV would instantly recognize Gore as the one doing thesighing, and Bush as the perfect gentleman.

I learned Ralph Nader was presented a ticket, but chose not toattend. At this stage, though, what’s there to lose? Heckling thecandidates would give him instant recognition, and perhaps anincrease of a few percentage points (accomplished by gainingapproximately 100 new voters). “At last,” the amazed public wouldproclaim, “we have a candidate who can get himself kicked out of anauditorium on live television. Cool, man!”

I learned the phrase “all hat and no cattle” didn’t apply to W.like we thought it would. This is because we expect a cattle-less manto be such a loser that no matter how poorly he debates, he alwaysends up with a small herd by the time the debate is finished. Inother words, we thought he’d do so badly that we lowered the bar to aheight of three inches above the ground.

I learned I could watch the debate without fear of missing sportson other channels because I don’t watch sports on other channels. Iapologize to all the sports fans who are reading this and calling meevil. I boycotted TV sports after the Braves beat the Dodgers for the900th time. I did watch part of that Olympic thing, though. Does thatcount?

I learned a candidate using a bit too much makeup may leadpundits, such as Maureen Dowd of the New York Times, to call him “abig, orange, waxy, wickless candle.” I also learned from my elvesthat a few channel surfing extra-terrestrials were utterly ecstaticthat one of their prototypes was able to perform so successfully in ademanding debate, convincingly mimicking human gestures and speechpatterns.

I learned makeup can either hide or accentuate one’s facialgrimace marks. Gore’s face, according to the New York Post, receivedthe latter.

I learned no matter how fast I type this column, I will stillwaste all my time going back to type in each letter “a” because my”a” key has decided not to work tonight. For this last sentence,that’s 13 a’s … no, 14! I should try using words without thisletter, but it’s very difficult.

The vice presidential debate:

I learned most Americans, by the next presidential debate, will bewishing that the presidential candidates were running as vicepresidential candidates. If you saw the V.P. debates, you’ll agree. Idon’t want to know how many wishful articles will appear in thepapers over the next few weeks as the presidential guys resume theirtrench warfare no-ground-gained-or-lost artillery-fest. Don’t kidyourselves — I know you’d rather have Lieberman or Cheney forpresident (or John McCain, but that’s another story). True, theywouldn’t give me much material, but that would be fine.

I learned that, though I happen to like him more than Gore,Lieberman is a terrible brown-noser. Before answering his firstquestion, he began the debate by thanking the moderator formoderating the debate. Oh, please. That’s like thanking your teacherthe first day of class for teaching the course. It was soembarrassing that I squirmed in my seat, and I wasn’t even sittingnext to him! Yes, Cheney thanked some people too, but at least hedidn’t thank the moderator. Geez.

I learned I really like Lieberman because he doesn’t talk topeople like they’re mentally underdeveloped four-year-olds. I alsolike him because he doesn’t look like an alpha-male vampire trying toimpersonate Leonard Nimoy. I like him because, according to theWashington Post Online transcript, he made a grave error by sayingthat “I have not changed a single position since Al Gore nominated meto be his vice president.”

Some final remarks:

I learned trying to get rid of Al Gore is very difficult if you’rea senior.

I learned it’s hard to hear the debates while crunching onCorn-Nuts.

I learned that the surplus is my money.

–Benjamin Abel is a social science junior. Send e-mail todaletter2000@hotmail.com

–This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of TheDaily Aztec.