During an election year, many issues are lostin the spotlight of the big platform items. One such issue missingfrom this year’s debates was the fate of vernal pools and the fairyshrimp that live in them.

Reed, you incompetent human supremacist … Where have all the Riverside fairy shrimp gone? They’re on the brink of extinction because the invasion of the human animal has destroyed 97 percent of the vernal pools these little freshwater crustaceans live in. So, what now? Fight the good fight for the last 3 percent? You’re damn right. Humanity has pushed the Riverside fairy shrimp too far — humans like Reed Albergotti, who himself can’t see past the ass of the nearest sophomore girl to realize there are larger issues at hand. Reed sees a nice university, with many attractive, younger girls, but he doesn’t have the foresight to realize that his “eye candy” could be prancing across a brick foundation entombing the little corpses of fallen fairy shrimp. His university may have come at the expense of not only thousands of Riverside fairy shrimp, but the construction of the campus likely destroyed the habitat of the fairy shrimp — the vernal pools. No, Reed, vernal pools are not swimming holes where you can cruise for scantily-clad groupies who worship you for the columns you write. Vernal pools are any land indentations that fill with rainwater seasonally, such as drainage ditches or tire ruts. With a life span of a few months, the half-inch long Riverside fairy shrimp slowly dies as the pools dry with the changing seasons. The Riverside fairy shrimp has been endangered since 1993, yet development continues, unaffectedly destroying their native pools. If fascist developers are allowed to build middle schools, marine bases and pursue agricultural growth with blatant disregard for the shrimp, how will this species ever be brought back from the brink of extinction? Where’s the “strategery” in this line of thinking, Reed? Oh, not sure? Big surprise coming from a guy who spends his days in agitated anticipation of the return of the Little Darlings’ ads to the pages of The Daily Aztec. According to news reports, in 1996, the California Farm Bureau Federation, the California Cattlemen’s Association and the Western Growers Association, among others, banded together to form the Fairy Shrimp Study Group. The group quickly petitioned to remove the shrimp from the endangered species list, showing the Fairy Shrimp Study Group is nothing more than a despotic, superior species humans’ club so removed from the lifestyle of the shrimp that any proposed policy changes can only be one-sided aims at advancing their own race. Reed argues from the standpoint of a shrimpist, condoning the actions of this capitalist regime. In constructing even one middle school, one breeding ground for anti-environmentalist sentiment, hundreds of thousands of Riverside fairy shrimp can be lost. One pool can contain as many as 800,000 fairy shrimp: there’s nothing fuzzy about this math. The numbers speak for themselves, and they are saying, “Reed, you ignorant slut.” Centrist developers, blind-sided by the perceived superiority of their own species, claim the endangered status of the shrimp threatens the economic stability of communities in which vernal pools are protected. Oppressors of the fairy shrimp also propose “co-existence.” Co-existence is one step away from humanity usurping the fairy shrimp pools — give the shrimp control of their vernal pools as independently ruled sovereign states, to be naturally governed by the shrimp as they were before the invasion of the human. Humanity has not only taken their pools, but taken their citizens and put them under the microscope of science — if the fairy shrimp could talk, they would demand their ancestors be returned to the water of their native vernal pools. Damn science, and damn Reed. This apostasy must stop — the vernal pools, the last 3 percent, must be saved. There is more to the assault on the culture of the fairy shrimp. Newborn University of California Merced is considering debasing the honor of the fairy shrimp by becoming “The Fighting Fairy Shrimp.” The fairy shrimp would be its mascot. A demand for a halt to this gross insult must be made and reparations sought. Picture a big human adorned in the likeness of the fairy shrimp, running around stadiums — how can this be seen as anything but overt slander? If schools, military bases and agriculture — mascots — are of more concern to people than the plight of the fairy shrimp, then that only shows how far humanity has fallen, and how far humanity has to climb to be able to see eye to eye with the shrimp. Reed, where are the shrimp supposed to go, you bastard? Where are the shrimp supposed to go? –Jason Williams is an English and psychology senior and Assistant Opinion editor for The Daily Aztec. Send e-mail to daletter2000@hotmail.com –This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Daily Aztec. Jason, you ignorant, fairy-shrimp-loving tree hugger … It’s people like you that give a bad name to nature. California’s growth, something critical to its existence, is being halted by microscopic critters called fairy shrimp. Because of a few ass clowns in Washington, these irksome little crustaceans have been wrongfully placed on the endangered species list. As they bountifully multiply by the billions, they breed contempt in the hearts of developers everywhere. Heretics like you probably think we should save the fairy shrimp because you think humans are descended from them, you Darwinian bastard. The prairie shrimp make homes out of puddles called vernal pools — depressions in the Earth that fill with water for part of the year. They can be caused naturally or even by tire tracks in vacant dirt lots. I knew the Green Party was gaining clout, but I never thought water-filled tire tracks would become endangered. Knowing you, your vote probably went to Nader. We have you and all your other tree-hugging morons to thank for electing Bush (possibly), a drunk driving, drug-abusing moron. Maybe we should put dog poop on the endangered list. I often see the stuff on sidewalks literally covered with hundreds of flies. Isn’t it wrong to rob these innocent, flying menaces of their smelly homes on our sidewalks? If fairy shrimp get to have their puddles, I think flies should have their dog poop. The next person I see scooping up a big, brown, smelly blob from a sidewalk is going to get a stern talking to from this fly-loving foe. Also, we shouldn’t allow any development at all. Pretty soon, there’ll be no more room for
dog poop. Down with development! Gray Davis, governor of California and sell-out to insolent, tree-hugging wretches, is attempting to set aside $44 million of tax payers’ money to buy land in the San Joaquin Valley for the purpose of saving glorified puddles. Save them from what, my readers ask? Why, the expansion of the University of California school system into the impoverished San Joaquin Valley. You know, some people think we should give poor people a better chance at getting an education, but I guess you think the fairy shrimp should come first. This action reminds me of the line in Mel Brooks’ History of the World Part I, when “F**k the poor!” is uttered by the Roman senate. I guess we’ve been f**king the poor for a very long time. Preventing the construction of a university basically says poor people are less important than bacteria in a water-filled tire track. Heartless Republicans like Ben Abel might agree with this, but I don’t. Jason, you’re too busy trying to put children in the electric chair to realize they need an education. Environmentalists do some good stuff, but this is crossing the line. I can understand why we protect national parks. Although I think it would be cool to turn Yellowstone into a giant shopping mall with a geyser in the middle, I agree it should be protected. But when it comes to vernal pools, environmentalists need to stop bitching. Those whining nincompoops have created a situation where any piece of land can become worthless to its owner because of a tire track that filled with water. You environmentalists should be careful of the precedents you set. If the government wanted to, it could make wheat grass an endangered species and arrest all tree huggers who eat the crap. Put marijuana on the endangered list and you’re really screwed. The only reason you irrational tree-molesters don’t want any development is so you can drive out to the wilderness, put up tents and sing camp songs while you’re stoned out of your tiny little mind. Why don’t I see your lazy ass going out and saving the shrimp? If you’re so adamant about this cause, why don’t you dig a bunch of holes in your backyard and fill them with muddy water? You could become the proud owner of a fairy shrimp sanctuary. You could even charge admission! Why should we care about the fairy shrimp, anyway? The only kind of shrimp I pay attention to is the kind that taste good with cocktail sauce. I don’t know what environmentalists eat, but it would take about a thousand of their precious fairy shrimp to fill this columnist up. They probably wouldn’t even taste good. They live in tire tracks, for God’s sake. If I ever see one of your scummy little pools, I’m going to fill it with dirt, killing all those arrogant fairy shrimp. I suggest you do the same. The fairy shrimp have caused nothing but trouble since their discovery in 1985, and they will continue to cause trouble until I kick dirt into every damn vernal pool in the world. However, rational people shouldn’t get their hopes up. Environmentalists will find something else to take the place of the fairy shrimp about as fast as you can say Ohlone Tiger Beetle. Finally, Jason, you won’t be satisfied until this world is overrun with those damn fairy shrimp. I blame you and your kind for every problem facing America today. I also blame you for the fact that I don’t get any “action.” –Reed Albergotti is a journalism junior. Send e-mail to daletter2000@hotmail.com –This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Daily Aztec.