A dark force is growing inside the belly of Kim Kardashian. About (who cares) months ago, a magical thing happened involving the reproductive organs of Kardashian and the self-proclaimed musical genius, Kanye West. Now a fantastical force is going take the earth by storm in the form of a rich little baby.
Some of you who don’t keep up with TMZ, E! News or any of the other editorial powerhouses making up the entertainment news industry may think I’m just making up some ridiculous horror story, but no—it’s true. Kanye West impregnated Kim Kardashian.
When I first heard the news, I passed out from shock. When I came to, I got up and walked out of church so I could clear my head. I didn’t know what to think. Kanye and Kim Kardashian are two of the most irresponsible people I could recall. How could two people who are less responsible now than I was at the age of 12 be allowed to have a baby together?
But then I realized that rich celebrities don’t have to be responsible. They have tons of people to do that for them. This baby will have a 100 people tending to his or her every need to ensure he or she turns out right. I was so relieved. I turned around and started heading back to church. This baby is getting birthed straight into royalty, I thought happily. Good for you, baby.
But another thought hit me: This baby is going to be stupid spoiled. I panicked and fainted again. When I came to, in the middle of the church parking lot, I went on my smartphone to a great website: celebnetworth.org. I typed in “Kim Kardashian”: $40 million. Then I typed in “Kanye West”: $80 million.
Then, a lovely old lady who was late to church—because old people are late to everything—saw me lying in the fetal position on the parking lot pavement and came to check on me.
“Honey, why are you on the ground? Are you OK?” she asked me, looking concerned.
“Lady, didn’t you hear? Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s baby is going to be born and it’s going to be very spoiled and rich!”
“Oh no!” She gasped. “How rich?”
“Its parents have a net wealth of $120 million, probably more by the time it’s born,” I said.
“Oh, that’s nothing, sweetie,” she said in that reassuring grandma voice I know they practice in private. “Plenty of babies grow up around a lot more money than that.”
OK, maybe this old lady was right. Maybe there are richer babies, but I don’t think very many grow up with a dad who tweeted, “I hate when I’m on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle.” And how many children’s mothers get married, then decide they don’t want to be married 72 hours later? Clearly, with this child, we won’t be dealing with the normal kind of disillusionment seen in other rich, spoiled children.
I don’t know whether this baby is going to be talented or not. I like most of Kanye’s music, but who knows if rap talent is genetically transferrable—I’m waiting to see what happens to Will Smith’s kids before I make that judgment. Regardless, this kid will be born into some serious cheddar and will probably have a TV show made before making it out of the womb.
Clearly, this is force to be reckoned with. When this little baby eventually grows up and becomes emperor of the world, I want to be on the right side of things. That’s why I’m here to say to you, (First name) Kardashian-West; you’re alright in my book, so be nice to me when you conquer the world in an unstoppable, reality TV-fueled domination.
