“Welcome back to 98.3 CRK Radio. I’m your host, ‘Mayday’ Jane Cornett. Today I’m joined by the deputy governor, Mr. Ronald Avery. How are you, Mr. Avery?”
“Jane, there’s no need for formalities, call me Ron. It’s great to be here on the show; I love it.”
“So Ron, how are things down at the governor’s mansion? Is there anything we should expect to see coming out of there in terms of some new policies? I haven’t had a lot to talk about the past few months.”
“It’s funny you should mention that Jane, because I actually have a portfolio on me of what this year’s budget and planning looks like. We’ve increased new jobs this year by about 7 percent, and all the statistics put us on track to be back within the top 50 states in the country.”
“May I ask why we’re not on that list right now?”
“Well, I’d rather you not.”
“So where are these new jobs coming from? I’d love to see them.”
“Well we’ve hired a new chef down at the mansion.”
“Oh really?”
“Yes, he’s from France. See, he does this trick where he pours alcohol on—“
“Let me interrupt you for a minute there, deputy—the people of this state would like to know that their taxpayer dollars are going to good use. Now I’m holding the educational budget in my hand and it’s feeling a little light if you catch my drift…”
“Here’s the thing on education Jane—you can’t really combat it can you?”
“I beg your pardon; ‘Combat education?’”
“Right. I can’t go to the state senate and ask for more money on the war against education.”
“I see…”
“Now, if I go there and do that, I’ll get roasted alive for not being sensitive to the needs of every red-blooded citizen.”
“But Ron—“
“A good thing to ask for is a resolution. Last year I’d say I managed to put together at least 50 resolutions. Resolutions look good because it means we get to take a photo together shaking hands. The press eats that stuff up. Sometimes we get a community leader out there to join in the fun too. It’s great stuff.”
“Okay, none of that makes any sense, but I’ll move on. What can you say about this year’s upcoming budget cuts to social welfare programs such as Medicaid and Medicare?”
“See, there you go again asking about such silly things. Why don’t you ever ask the good questions? Like how long can I hold my breath? Watch … 10 seconds! Almost beat my record.”
“I think people still have a right to know why these programs are being cut instead of other things.”
“Jane, I love you. But there is absolutely no way that we are cutting the annual Thanksgiving Turkey Trot. You know I’m already conditioning for that. This state has sponsored that program since time immemorial, and to cancel it now would mean the destruction of the values we hold near and dear as citizens of this beloved country.”
“But it’s completely unnecessary.“
“Oh say can you see … by the dawn’s early light … ”
“Not to mention we are living in a financial crisis … “
“ … What so proudly we hailed … at the twilight’s last gleaming … ”
“Moving on now, I wanted to get your opinion of this administration’s latest stand on immigration.”
“Well that’s an easy one there Jane, I appreciate your candor. The official position of the governor is that there is no position. Much easier that way I think.”
“You can’t be serious? How can we put trust in a man to lead us if he can’t even make up his own mind?”
“Well, as you know Jane, the governor has always had a bit of a problem with coming to such an absolute stance on certain things. The landscape of this country is always changing.”
“Is there anything else that he has a hard time making his mind up about?”
“Christ, have you seen the man trying to figure out what socks to wear? You’d think he was balancing the budget or asking for money for the war on education. Absolutely ridiculous, if you ask me.”
“I wasn’t…”
“Suffice to say that the governor is a very busy man and—hang on a moment. I’m getting a call. Hello? Yeah I’m in the studio right now. Have you been listening? It’s a real crackerjacker isn’t it? What’s that? Well I don’t think I really can I’m booked for another 30 minutes but … well there’s no reason to be so cross about it, Davey, I’m only answering the woman’s questions. Uh …. there appears to be only one exit at the moment. Reaching it would require me going past her, but I think, hold on, she’s looking at me, I need a minute …”
“Mr. Deputy Governor, thank you for your time.”
“Right, I think I have an opening! Bye!”
