Sometimes it’s hard to imagine what the job of the President of the United States actually entails, but sometimes we have the opportunity to peer behind the curtain and get a glimpse of what may be the hardest job in the world.
With the help of a few “eyewitnesses” and a bit of “investigative reporting,” I have compiled this totally accurate timeline of President-Elect Trump’s first day in office.
Editor’s note: This article may or may not be an accurate representation of what President-Elect Trump may or may not do during his first day in office after Inauguration Day on Jan. 20.
6:00 a.m. Rise.
6:30 a.m. Skims through the New York Times, now renamed the “Totally Biased Liberal Media Times” due to an executive order, to see what “lies” were recently printed about him.
7:15 a.m. Breakfast with wife number three, browse through catalogue for wife number four and mistress number … 412.
7:50 a.m. Visits Hillary Clinton in the federal penitentiary. Brings bag full of peanuts to throw, while continuing to gloat over presidential win.
8:55 a.m. Attends daily “League of Evil” meeting. Members include: Lex Luthor, The Joker, The Riddler and Chief White House Strategist Steve Bannon.
11:50 a.m. Prank calls Mitt Romney to offer him the Secretary of State job.
12:00 p.m. Lunch date with Vladimir Putin. Trump orders a well-done steak. Putin orders a cow, kills it and then proceeds to eat the entire animal raw all in one gulp, without chewing.
12:45 p.m. Actual governing.
12:46 p.m. Pushes big red button with the purpose of “seeing what would happen.”
12:55 p.m. Meets with top generals, scientists, economists and elected officials. Topic of the day, “Reasons you shouldn’t do things for the sole purpose of ‘seeing what would happen.’”
1:00 p.m. Charges all top generals, scientist, economists and elected officials with high treason for disagreeing with him.
1:05 p.m. Presses big red button again with purpose of “seeing what would happen a second time.”
1:35 p.m. Receives angry phone call from Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnball demanding an explanation on why he ordered an airstrike on the Great Barrier Reef, twice. Trump, in desperation, blames Vice President Pence and slams the phone back on the hook.
2:00 p.m. Assists secret service in luring Vice President Pence into a wooden crate, which will be shipped overnight to Australia where Pence will be tried for being a National annoyance.
2:30 p.m. Begins search for new vice president. Calls Mitt Romney as a joke then appoints Papa John’s CEO John Schnatter.
3:05 p.m. Due to an obscure portion of the constitution, Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan is forced to give Trump a piggyback ride through the White House rose garden.
5:00 p.m. Sits on top of the Washington Memorial with a pair of binoculars and a high-powered rifle. As commander in chief, Trump must be vigilant of terror plots abroad, but especially at home.
6:00 p.m. Digs holes around the White House lawn in a scheme to find Joe Biden’s secret gold stash.
6:05 p.m. Cashes gold at pawnshop increases gross domestic product by five percent.
6:45 p.m. Orders State Department to graffiti “Taiwan Rules” on a wall at the Chinese Embassy.
7:05 p.m. Awards self Presidential Medal of Freedom due to advancing American Literature with “the Art of the Deal.”
“I always wanted one of these, fantastic,” Trump would say.
8:00 p.m. Goes to Home Depot to get a free estimate on that wall.
8:30 p.m. Dinner with Ivanka, Donald Jr., and Eric. They discuss business, which is totally not a conflict of interest. Believe me…
9:25 p.m. Contemplates letting Tiffany out of her cage, decides against it.
10:00 p.m. Trump sits in the White House library, rereading the Constitution. Around him are the works of great American authors: Twain, Whitman, Faulkner, Dickinson and Frost, all of which have inspired him in his darkest moments.
A roaring fire illuminates the room.
Trump checks on Baron, his youngest, to remind him why he does what he does.Then he returns to the library and looks up to the portrait of George Washington and is immediately humbled, thinking of the great men who have filled his position and how he will never be able to live up to their legacy.
Trump sheds a single tear and feels a sense of absolute patriotism. In an angelic voice, only known to his closest confidants, Trump sings the “Star Spangled Banner” trying to hold back more tears, but not missing a single note.
Secret Service men stationed in the hallway struggle to keep up their stoic expressions, but they are so moved. Trump retires to his wooden rocking chair, stroking his chin and contemplates how he can make this country better for the American people and get the economy working for the little guy.
10:30 p.m. Sleep.
3:30 a.m. Wakes up to call an SNL cast member fat on Twitter then immediately falls back to sleep.
