TWISTED WIT: 2010 Winter Olympics Woes

by publicationarchive

Fellow students, I am happy to announce the Winter Olympics have finally ended.

Sometime between watching U.S. figure skater Johnny Weir emasculate himself as he pranced with his fur and feather-covered costume, and the always disappointing winter cross-country, it finally hit me 8212; the Winter Olympics are mind-numbingly dull. There must be a better way.

Americans thrive on reality television, dramatic and near-impossible stunts and the occasionally hilarious cat video. Yet not one of these great American trademarks took place during the 2010 Winter Olympics. Surprising, considering how well we owned Vancouver by the end. (Suck it, Russia!)

Therefore, I decided to send the International Olympic Committee a few ideas about how to improve the Winter Olympics. Here’s three sports and their respective reality shows:

Extreme hockey 8212; featuring the cast of “Jersey Shore”

I don’t know what it is about this show, but after watching it, I feel like I’ve seen more fights than any professional boxing tournament, death metal concert or high school reunion.

Perhaps I’m missing the point. Even with a beach-side residence and near-nightly trips to bars, living in New Jersey must be tough.

Maybe it’s simply that the cast had it rough in high school or that the stock of extra-strength hair gel has been dwindling toward extinction since the beginning of the show.

Nevertheless, it seems the cast has a lot to be angry about.

This pairs well with hockey, a violent sport, as are most sports that contain heavy wooden sticks and few rules. However, the penalty box is a glaring reminder that rules still exist.

What I’m proposing is a no-rules hockey game featuring reality show stars of each country. Reality stars can use teamwork, strategy and the very same drunken violence they promote in their respective reality shows to win the prestigious gold medal.

Figure skating 8212; featuring Carrot Top

All right, all right. This really isn’t a new sport. But you’ve really got to feel sorry for Carrot Top by now. Awkward, girlish features and lame jokes aside, I’m sure he’s pretty jealous of the success of medaled snowboarder and fellow redhead Shaun White. Perhaps rightfully 8212; I certainly couldn’t tell you anything Carrot Top’s done to make a name for himself lately. This could be his chance to reclaim his waning popularity.

Something about Carrot Top leaping and interpretative-dancing to the sweet sounds of Dido in order to express his inner anguish seems like good television to me. He’d have to be in a Carrot costume for it to be any good, of course. But I believe that it’d be good for us all 8212; deeply therapeutic for him, and so, so funny for everyone else.

Antarctica speed skating 8212; featuring Bear Grylls of “Man vs. Wild”

I’m not sure if any of you know what speed skating is, but essentially it’s like NASCAR 8212; complete with the same 30 minutes of repeated left turns 8212; but this time on ice.

There’s little hope for this sport to be the slightest bit interesting, so desperate measures must be taken. Rather than having this sport occur inside a convention center or something 8212; how is that wintery anyway? 8212; have the event take place in the South Pole.

With average temperatures well in the negatives, you’d better believe Olympians will bust their butts to finish the event. I’d assume it’s more important to get back to warmth than any kind of patriotism for their country, but that’s really beside the point.

But should Bear Grylls, a man who regularly goes to the most hellish parts of the world to entertain his viewers perform in this event, we’d get the gold for sure.

8212;Chris Pocock is an English sophomore.

8212;This column does not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Daily Aztec.