There have been more serious topics on these pages, like abortion, sexually transmitted diseases and homelessness, but I think my beef of the month, although more frivolous, is still pretty important.

The issue is that evil invention: the car alarm.

A couple of weeks ago, I was having one of those great moments: rain coming down outside, me snuggled warm and dry in my flannel pajamas and bedclothes, peacefully sleeping. But not for long.

A loud beeping woke me up, and when I looked at my clock, it was 5:30 a.m. Too early for my alarm but not too early for a car alarm. I cursed it (out loud) and managed to go back to sleep. Then another alarm went off at about 6 a.m., and it still wasn’t my alarm.

These incidents came after another car alarm went off at about 4 a.m. on a Saturday.

But probably the best example of an annoying car alarm was when I came home from work at midnight once to find a car parked directly across the street from my apartment, with its alarm going full-blast. The kicker was it was one of those especially irritating horn alarms that honks instead of beeps.

I walked into my apartment, and after about 10 minutes of the honking, I said, “This is really annoying.” My brother came out of his room, his back bent and his eyes bloodshot, and said, “Yeah. That alarm has been going off for two hours.”

Everyone knows that conventional car alarms are virtually useless. Because (a) If a thief wants a car bad enough, he or she’s going to steal it, unless it’s been hermetically sealed to the ground. And (b) No one can hear one’s car alarm so he can run to his car and catch the thief. So all they accomplish is causing discomfort and annoyance to people nearby.

So I have a solution to this problem: new types of alarms that don’t just go off and annoy people, but actually guard the car.

The Cochlear Alarm: A small device, similar to a hearing aid, will be equipped with the same sound conventional car alarms make, but the alarm will be piped directly into the ear of the car owner. This way, no one else needs to be disturbed, and the car might actually be guarded.

The Help! Alarm: A device that integrates your car alarm with your car phone. If anyone the car doesn’t recognize tries to take the car, an internal computer will cause the car to phone your home. I saw a comedian do this bit once, and it’s ingenious.

The Shocker: This device works very simply and quickly. If anyone not authorized to use the car tries to take it, he or she will receive a swift, yet mild shock to whatever part of his or her body that is touching the car.

Or how about devices that are already on the market, like the kill switch? If someone tries to steal your car, and they don’t shut off the kill switch, then the car won’t start.

Another device, which has been on the market even longer than the kill switch, is the Doberman Pinscher. Now I’m not advocating leaving “Killer” in the back seat of your car all the time, but there are some animals at the pound that need good homes and probably wouldn’t mind guarding your car from the occasional thief.

If some of these inventions were actually used, maybe everyone could rest easier. Especially me.

Kate Nelson is a journalism senior and managing editor of The Daily Aztec. Her e-mail address is knelson@rohan.sdsu.edu.