Americans are obsessed with the Internet.

Millions of us are logging on to the World Wide Web to seek information and entertainment. Even Hollywood, the bastion of trends, is treating the Internet like the next big thing. In the movie “The Net,” Sandra Bullock plays a frumpy computer genius who never leaves the house because everything she needs is accessed through her computer. This is supposed to be sexy. Somehow, though, the sight of a woman who sacrifices personal hygiene and sociability for the sanctity of computer-induced seclusion is amazingly unappealing to me.

But, every day, more and more people are going on line.

Except for me.

You won’t find me “surfing the Net” or riding “the information superhighway.” I’m not “pointing and clicking my way through the universe.”

Parents, please get off the Internet and go back to your children. Employees, please turn off the solitaire game and become productive. Students, log off the Playboy home page and do your homework. Children, turn off the computer and go play in a canyon. Everybody, please regain control of your lives and and stay away from the Internet.

I don’t use zip disks, video cards and Internet explorers. I don’t belong to a work group. I never browse, scan or explore.

I don’t care what the difference is between RAM, bytes and megs. And, most important, I don’t read “Dilbert.”

You can tell me the Internet is the biggest thing since platform shoes, and I’ll answer with, “I never wore platform shoes.”

The Internet is creating a society full of hermits, and it’s becoming dangerous. Therefore, I’m going to do my part for the betterment of society by offering the top 10 reasons why people should log off the Internet.

1. It’s virtual sex, not real sex. Reading about what someone wants to do to you is not even in the same ball park as actually experiencing what someone wants to do to you. And if virtual sex is the only kind of sex you can get, it’s time to see a therapist about your self-esteem problem.

2. The world is much bigger than your bedroom. That bright thing that lights up your room every 12 hours is called the sun. Remember? It used to put color on your skin and a smile on your face.

3. Chat rooms are like wards in a mental hospital. There are three kinds of people in chat rooms: the lonely, the super lonely and the gave-up-human-contact-for-intercourse-with-the-A-drive. For those of you who can’t stay away from these rooms, I know you’re lonely. So lonely. I love you. Now, just send me $10,000 and I’ll come and visit you.

4. Games are for kids. “Doom” is just a game, not a lifestyle. It’s supposed to be played in your spare time, not become your spare time. Turn off your computer, crawl into bed and pray that a Dungeons and Dragons convention visits your neighborhood soon.

5. You can’t download a friendship. You have to physically go out into society and talk with people. I know it’s intimidating, but with a little practice, you’ll do just fine.

6. There are more than 10,000 entries for the keyword “erotic.” You’ll never be able to visit all of them. Get in your car and drive to an adult bookstore instead. You’ll save plenty of time and you can pick up a new masturbation toy to keep you happy.

7. The Internet is not cool. The people who designed the Web sites you’re visiting are the same people you used to give wedgies to in the seventh grade. You’ll never find any gang bangers surfing the Net, and gang bangers are really cool. They kill people, and that’s to be admired. Way to go, you stupid f**king turds.

8. Computer lingo won’t get you laid. If you’re in a bar and you talk to a girl about RAM, bytes and zip disks, you might get slapped. But, then again, that could be fun.

9. The Internet commercials are lame. When that Microsoft commercial comes on your television and all those pretty people ask “Where do you want to go today?” your answer should be “outside.”

10. Bill Gates is already worth $30 billion.

The whole Internet is a conspiracy. The Man is trying to tangle people up in the World Wide Web. The Man invented the Net to keep us from interacting with each other. We must stand up to The Man, because The Man is the root of all of our problems, right?

Good. Now that I’ve made myself clear, would you please log off the Internet? I’ve been trying to log on for weeks and I’m tired of getting busy signals.

John Walters is a journalism senior who writes a biweekly column for The Daily Aztec. His e-mail address is Johnthe2@aol.com.