It seems the karma gods take the month of January off. Or at least they have for the past two years.Last month, Massachusetts resident Daniel Snay won $10 million in the lottery. Mr. Snay enjoys hauling boats for a living, spending time with his five children and committing sex crimes, with a laundry list of offenses dating back to 1974.The sum was a mixed blessing for Mr. Snay because he now faces charges for failing to report to police that he moved. In fact, police were quoted as saying that before this, they had no clue as to where he had been living.More disturbingly, Snay’s winnings come almost exactly a year to the date that Edward R. Cowal, a sex offender in Florida, won $14 million in the Sunshine State’s lottery. I’m sure Cowal had plenty of time to pick his winning numbers during the 23 months he spent in jail in 1993. Or maybe he used the birthdates of his victims.Strangely, both gentlemen purchased their tickets from a chain of east coast convenience stores called Cumberland Farms. Just a thought, but people might want to think twice before sending their children to the corner Cumberland Farms for milk.Before Cowal and Snay, a serial rapist in England won the lotto in 2004. This seems to happen frequently, which raises a big question: What would a convicted sex offender buy with his winnings?
One sweatsuit and one plane ticket to JapanWhen normal people win the lotto they take a trip to some exotic island like Hawaii or Tahiti.Well, there’s an island paradise for sex criminals too – Japan. With their lax enforcement of public harassment laws and strange clubs where anything goes, this is a definite must. Going on a Japanese subway is the equivalent of a trip to Disneyland for a sex offender.If you don’t understand this paragraph, Google “frottage.” If you do understand this paragraph, you’re sick.
An ice-cream truckIf I won the lottery, I’d buy a Porsche because beautiful women flock to a Porsche.Sex offenders have a different demographic to whom they’re trying to appeal. And a Good Humor truck has the same effect as a Porsche on that demographic.If any of these b*****ds ever wins a super-jackpot – proving that your parents lied when they said “sex crime doesn’t pay” – they could put a bid on Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch.
“To Catch a Predator” home editionChatting online with real children is dangerous. But thanks to the marvels of outsourcing, you can chat with “children” all you want. For just $88 a month, you can log into a chat room and talk with hundreds of “underage teens,” without having to worry about that pesky Chris Hansen. Sure the “kids” are actually paid adults in India, but who cares? At least they’re not cops.
A pilot episode for a sitcomIf, like my roommate, you miss “The Beverly Hillbillies,” this is the show for you: “The Palos Verdes Pedophiles.””Come listen to my story ’bout a man named Cowal / once rode on the subway wearing just a towel / then one day he won the lottery / so he loaded up his truck and moved to PV / Estates that is / Kiddie pools. Ice cream bars.'”
-Devin Kunysz is a marketing senior who feels dirty just writing this.
-This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Daily Aztec.
