Every month or so, a loosely affiliated student group of hoodlums and lowlifes releases a nefarious creature among the unsuspecting student body of San Diego State.

These nearly illiterate miscreants, in their reckless disregard for public safety, distribute this venomous marsupial on and around campus.

In fact, they often bind the poor species together in large numbers, usually at the top of the Freedom Steps, before setting them loose among the student population as we walk from class to class.

You might have run into a stampede before, when one or more of these seemingly cute, usually fuzzy koalas is rampaging up and down the walkways of Montezuma Mesa.

You’ve probably even fell trap to their attraction. But let me tell you, they can be dangerous. In fact, the last time I came across a koala on the loose near campus, it spit in my face. Right in my eye.

Now, I’m not a violent person. And I believe all language is free and open. A person, or in this case a Koala, is legally free to write and disseminate what he pleases.

Even the dumb-witted and sophomoric staff in charge of releasing the koalas knows their First Amendment rights. Surely, it’s what the idiots cling to as justification for some of their ill-advised actions and commentary.

But that all speech is free doesn’t constitute that it should be free from being recognized without restraint.

After the koala spit on me, I picked it up, to check it out a bit more, give it another chance, to see if it would calm down. I thought I could talk some sense into it. The vicious little bugger spewed something into my left eye.

I couldn’t tell what it was at first. Then, my eye began to burn incessantly. I almost threw the koala on the ground right then and there.

Hatred. Racism. Vitriol.

I wanted to ask the koala why it felt it had to stoop to such lows to reach a laugh. Much of what it said and wrote actually contained original and genuinely humorous content.

But so much of its humor just tried to push the edge without calculating some of the consequences. The koala had been brainwashed by toxicity.

Sadly, this particular koala was too far gone to try and save. It had lost its sense of reason. Resorted to the cheap and shameful soliciting of personal ads to make it feel whole. Sold its soul.

And though the koala tried to plead with me that it was just having innocent fun when it spit in my face, it didn’t recognize the immorality of its actions — that sometimes its actions did offend. In fact, the koala continued to defend its illegitimate behavior behind a guise of crude humor and then, almost predictably, tried to give me its top five reasons why its actions were no big deal.

Then it became aggressive. In its last words, it tried to claim it aimed for “the destruction of koala advertising” and “to steal the koala’s lucrative ad money.” Clearly, a fearful and desperate assertion.

I had no choice.

You’ve got to understand me when I say this. It was for its own good.

I began to methodically shave down the koala. Fur floated to the floor. I systematically ripped it apart, limb by limb, section by section, until it was hardly recognizable. I even scalped off its head.

As an act of finality, I decided I needed to eat the remains. So I bit right into the skin. Chewed up and swallowed every piece. Drank it down with a beer at Louie’s. It tasted like chicken.

Of course, I recognize I can’t eat every koala I encounter on campus. I wouldn’t want to waste my time. Plus, every once in awhile, a koala can even be endearing.

In many ways, I see some of myself in the koala. Luckily, though, a crossword and Sudoku puzzle set me apart with greater professionalism.

If you stay on campus long enough, I’m sure you’ll see one of these koalas every now and then. Maybe you’ll even get a craving to digest one.

Just make sure you do so wisely.

With some barbecue sauce.

-Ty Thompson is a graduate student studying creative writing. He can be reached at cosythenews@yahoo.com

-This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Daily Aztec.