ByAndrew Van BaalTempo Writer
Are there too many viewpoints on campus for you to decide what isunequivocally right and divinely hip? I sat down for a Q and A withGod — the androgynous essence Time magazine called “the single mostimportant being in the history of mankind” — and came away with somesolid resolution on the course of evolution. I got the straight jiveon being alive in the 20th Century and what music, fashion and issuesare heavenly and hellish on campus this year.
AVB: I’d like to start with a general question that will help usunderstand where you’re coming from. A lot of people want to know:are you a rational or an emotional being?
God: Well, neither really. I’m more like — fantastical.
AVB: What do you mean by that?
God: Well, I don’t really appeal to the intellect and my fame isso broad and excessive that it’s impossible for me to make any kindof emotional connection with people.
AVB:So you’re kind of like Celine Dion?
God: Exactly. The main reason people dig me is for the show of it,the grandeur. People think I’m larger than life.
AVB: How do you feel about that?
God: I love it!
AVB: So, as the supreme celebrity, do a lot of people look up toyou for advice on how to act, what to do and what to wear?
God: Yeah, totally.
AVB: I’m gonna throw out a few scenarios. Tell me what I should doin each of them.
God: Right on. Shoot.
AVB: I’m a freshman rushing Sig’ Ep’. As part of my initiation,I’m required to do a panty raid on the sorority my girlfriend belongsto. I find this morally objectionable.
God: Discuss it with your girlfriend. See if she has any moralobjection to having her panties whisked away in the middle of night.Truth is, son, I didn’t develop morals. You guys developed them inresponse to female sensitivity.
AVB: OK. I’m taking a biology class in which the professor insiststhat the creation of the universe and the hu-man race are completelyrandom accidents of spontaneous combustion, thereby denying yourexistence. Should I be offended and complain to the dean?
God: No, your professor’s right. There’s no such thing as anall-powerful being that rules the universe with an iron fist.
AVB: You’re just being modest, aren’t you?
God: (blushes, then abruptly changes the subject) These are yourbest scenarios? Aren’t you facing any bigger problems, like abortion,equality of the sexes, racial injustice, the nature of right andwrong?
AVB: Well, yeah, but frankly, I’m afraid your answers might offendthe politically correct at San Diego State University.
God: Coward.
AVB: OK, let’s move on to music. Carlos Santana believes certainmusicians act as the “hose” of God by “spraying” the audience withyour essence in the form of music. What can you say about that?
God: Sounds pretty phallic to me. Well, I can say that Santanaused to be my hose, until he made that song with Rob Thomas, which isnot a terrible song, but damn — do they have to play it on everyradio station all the time? The radio signals are so strong I canpick it up all the way up here.
AVB: So who are your hoses now?
God: Ali Abdu-Arkhan Maliki-Rashan.
You probably haven’t heard of him. He’s Middle Eastern. He’s likethe Elvis of sitar-driven Hindu chants.
AVB: What about Carman?
God: Oh, hell no.
AVB: Anyone else?
God: Well, of course, Eddie Money.
AVB: Of course. That goes without saying. Do you feel that thepopularity of hard-core “message” bands like Creed and P.O.D. is asign that the kids still need you in their lives?
God: As far as I’m concerned, the only message Greed, er, I meanCreed, and P.O.D. are putting out there for the kids is that theirfocus isn’t really on making quality music, it’s Primarily On Dough.
AVB: That’s not really a valid criticism from someone whonominated Eddie Money as the life-germinating shaft of the Lord, isit?
God: Good point.
AVB: On to fashion: what styles do you condone for the kids thisyear? Let’s start with girls.
God: I’m definitely a fan of the boots. Keep rockin’ through 2001in those boots, girls. The original Star Wars film will never seemdated because no matter what generation you’re from, tall leatherboots will always be undeniably sexy. And long sideburns will alwaysbe hip, too. But that’s more of a guy thing, huh? I’m also quite fondof the tube-tops and skin-tight belly shirts.
AVB: Are you like, an old perv, or what? Did I see you hanging outbehind the bookshelves at the Love Library yesterday?
God: (again, blushing) No, no! I’m just a God who appreciatesstyle, that’s all.
AVB: OK. What about boys?
God: I still like Skidz and Hypercolor T-shirts — those werelike, T-shirt manufacturers making a covenant with their customers –“We promise to make a rainbow every time it rains” — and I candefinitely relate to that. I don’t understand why those ever went outof style. And why aren’t you guys wearing Ocean Pacific anymore?Especially in San Diego?
AVB: God, O.P. went out of style in like 1987. Get with theprogram. Let’s move on to a campus issue: what do you think about theMonty Montezuma/Aztec nickname debate?
God: I definitely have an opinion on that. Have you noticed, withall these mascot changes taking place across the country, it’s alwaysminorities who are the victims of stereotype discrimination, and it’salways the white guys saying, “It’s no big deal”? You should changeyour name to the San Diego State Honkies, and have your mascot namedChris Cracker. He could parade around the field in an L.L. Beansweater and khaki Dockers, with a newscaster smile plastered on hisface, wielding a tennis racket. Then see if anyone in power getsoffended.
AVB: Interesting idea. We’re almost out of time. A few quickiesbefore I go: Abercrombie or Fitch?
God: Fitch, all the way.
AVB: Beer or liquor?
God: Orange Tang.
AVB: Bush or Gore?
God: Terry “Hulk” Hogan.
AVB: God — you’re such an iconoclast!
God: (with a good-natured laugh) Yeah, I’ve heard that one before.
–Andrew van Baal is a communications senior. Send e-mail todaletter2000@hotmail.com.
–This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of TheDaily Aztec.
