Forget what the mainstream media will tell you about national security. In reality, the realest of real threats against our nation is a secret army of female ninja assassins currently being trained in Iran. In case you aren’t sure of what you just read, allow me to reiterate the sobering truth: Iran is in possession of secret, all-women ninja army technology. Why are we still worried about nuclear weapons? Lots of countries with mentally unstable leaders have nuclear weapons, right? How many countries have secret armies of lady ninjas?

I’ll tell you how many. One. Iran is the only one, which makes it the scariest nation on earth. Iran has carefully manipulated the world, using the media to paint a picture of widespread oppression when it comes to its female population. We now know this has all been a ruse. Its women are not only empowered, they’re ninjas (ninjas!). I’m not too worried about global climate change or the economy or any of the problems we’re facing, because I’m currently in a near-constant state of peeing my pants from the anxiety of knowing, one day, the Iranian government will deploy its deadly force of ninjas.

Ninja master Akbar Faraji is in charge of the school in Tehran where the female ninjas receive their training. When asked about the purpose of the training program, Faraji said, “We train women to have strength and ability. We have to do everything in our power to protect our homeland.”

Is it time for America to produce its own elite ninja woman army? There are an estimated 3,500 women in Iran’s ninja corps. Are we prepared to deal with the very real dangers our enemies threaten us with? Obviously, the answer is a resounding “no.” So please, write to your congressman and make sure they are informed about this critical issue.

—Kenneth Leonard is an English junior.