When asked to describe myself in five words or less, ideally I’d like to say I am intelligent, charismatic, attractive, witty and passionate or “I am usually always hungry.” Realistically, I would probably be described as neurotic, high-strung, paranoid, cynical and judgmental. Looks like I’m the whole package; Essentially, I’m the love child of Woody Allen and Larry David (with a dash of Brooke Shields, for the eyebrows, of course). Admit- tedly, I’m your typical anxious Jew. You could say I tend to get annoyed pretty easily and human beings both- er me. It’s not that all people bother me, just the unintelligent, ignorant, dense, foolish, simple-minded ones who inconvenience my life. Sadly, those types of people tend to come out of the woodworks and populate my surrounding environment at the most unfortunate time: as soon as I step on campus.
They’re unavoidable and they’re everywhere. The next time you’re walking to class, slow down, take a little time to enjoy the fresh air and the lush scenery, then notice the many pet peeve-worthy individuals walking around this campus. Here is a list of the five worst offenders:
1. The oblivious walker. The worst kind of offender. The oblivious walker is essentially just like the oblivious driver: neither of these wrongdoers use their rearview mirrors, they cut you off in traffic and travel extremely slow when you have somewhere to be. Without fail, every time I am running late for a test, they appear, walking right in front of me at a snail’s pace, without a care in the world. I’ve always wished I could be that “without a care in the world,” type of person, without any worries or anxieties, but then I remember hippies died out in the ‘60s and those kinds of people annoy the majority of the world anyway. With the amount of concerns and worries I have on a daily basis, I’m 98 percent sure I would go into shock if my brain suddenly didn’t have a care in the world.
2. The noisy walker. The noisy walker is the one yapping away on a cell phone, at a decibel only dogs could hear. “Yes! No? Oh my God! Oh no, she didn’t! I don’t need to hear your entire cell phone conversation while I walk to class. You are not using two paper cups and a piece of string. You are using an intricate piece of technology that does not require screaming on either end. Maybe I’d be interested in your conversation if I could hear the other end, but all I can hear is your one-sided conversation. As a respectable journalist, I do not believe in bias. And please, for all you couples out there, the quickest way to make sure you don’t have any friends besides your partner is to end your phone conversations with “You hang up! No, you hang up!” I had a friend who ended a conversation like that once and it went on for three minutes straight. I ended up grabbing the phone from her and screaming, “No, I’ll hang up!” We’re not friends anymore.
3. Groups of walkers. There are always the groups of people that take up the entire walkway, standing next to each other in a long line. I don’t know if I have really bad luck or l just like to torture myself, but it seems I always manage to walk behind people (or in this case, multiple people) who are in my way. Why walk in a horizontal line when you know there are people behind you trying to get through? Is your group of friends so important you take up an entire walkway with your power and presence? Why do you look like a militia marching together in unison? There are so many unanswered questions, as if I’m stuck playing some eternally horrible game of Red Rover. If you find yourself thinking, “I’ve never been in her situation,” you’re probably a member of those walking Rockettes.
4. Unaware bicyclists/unaware pedestrians. Netiehr of these offenders are at fault by themselves – the blame goes both ways. For all you bicyclists, I understand if you are running late and use your bike to get to class on time. But, this isn’t a BMX competition. Please stop riding so fast that I’m afraid to even look at the bike lane. This isn’t so much a pet peeve, as me turning into my Jewish mother and making sure all you bubalas don’t hit your keppie. However, one pet peeve is the bicyclists who do not pay attention to their sur- roundings. Did you forget there are more than 30,000 people on campus? Watch where you’re going! The same can be said for unaware pedestrians. Don’t just step in front of the bike lane—look both ways before you cross. We may have the right of way, but abusing your power is no fun when you end up in Calpulli Center because you stepped in front of a bicyclist going 25 mph.
5. The “preacher” who stands in the middle of campus. Enough said.
If you can avoid doing any of these unpleasant acts, you will probably make this campus a hap- py campus (because I know I’m not alone with my annoyances.) Most importantly you won’t make me angry. And trust me, you won’t like me when I’m angry. By the way, if you ever need to talk to me on campus, I’m the one with the green skin and purple shorts. I’m very approachable.
