Bummed you spent Valentine’s Day with five mediocre boys, (Ben, Jerry, Jack, Jim and Jose) instead of one special one? Glum that you haven’t found Mr. Right—or at least Mr. Right Now? Well, cheer up, buttercup, because I’m here to bring you good news. A recent study shows most people—single or taken—find other people who are in relationships (wait for it) to be extremely annoying. This study was performed by scientists working at Convenient Theories for This Article University.
So, after reading the scientists’ theory—OK, you got me, my theory—I know what you’re probably thinking: “Hey, cat lady, put down your water-proof version of “50 Shades of Grey” and stop being so freaking cynical about love.”
For your information, I am a dog person, thank you very much. Furthermore, I am happily in a relationship, so this is not a single and bitter rant (been there, done that). It’s not love or relationships I’m cynical about, it’s how individuals act once they enter a relationship that really strikes a nerve with me. However, after careful thought (and to play devil’s advocate) there may be an eerie reason why people in relationships act the way they do.
The thing about being in love is it affects your brain the way drugs do. When using cocaine, for example, the parts of the brain that cause pleasure are triggered and when one is in love, the same “reward area” is stimulated. With anything powerful, there’s always the chance of addiction. With drug addicts, we excuse their addiction as disease. But what happens if you are addicted to love? First, you might as well face it. Then, you wonder if the behavior can be excusable.
After all, if one has a disease, they must be “sick.” So should the questionable behavior of couples be excused as “mental illness?”
Despite this “excusable” theory, the more one thinks rationally about the irritating and selfish actions of couples, one must conclude there is no excuse for this behavior. I don’t even think a heroin addict would condone some of these actions! Take those too-much-information, public displays of affection-filled couples, for instance. Seriously? Forget the spoon, gag me with a knife. Look, it’s cool to have children, but I don’t need to see how they’re made while I’m standing in line at Yogurtland. Just let me give you the front desk number for the nearest Sheraton so you can get a freaking room. And I know I can have a pretty big mouth, but there are some things I really don’t need to hear about. such as your sex life or your boyfriend’s hemorrhoids. Yeah, I was going to finish my chocolate pudding, but suddenly it doesn’t seem as appetizing after your delightful, detailed description.
What about those couples who never leave each other’s sides and must do all activities together or they’ll spontaneously combust? Don’t you realize that “couple” means two? As in not one? You get my point. Co-dependency is so 1952. It should be more like no dependency, am I right ladies? My motto is WWBD: What would Beyoncé do? Beyoncé may have married Jay-Z, but she will always be an independent woman (and capable of affording her own bills).
And don’t get me started about those light bulb couples. They’re on, they’re off, they’re on, they’re off. What do those couples, John Kerry and beach sandals all have in common? They’re a bunch of flip-floppers. It doesn’t take Carmen San Diego to figure out this kind of pattern. If you’ve broken up more times than you’ve said, “No baby, this happens to every guy,” it’s time to move on.
The annoying behavior of people in relationships gets excused time and time again. If you’re single and watch “How I Met Your Mother” for 18 hours straight, you’re a loser. But if you watch it with a significant other, it’s an adorable cuddle session. If you bake brownies alone, your friends debate proposing an intervention. But if you bake brownies with your significant other—awe, it’s an enchanting scene right out of “It’s Complicated.”
I’ve come to an important conclusion: There’s a severe discrimination against single people that must be stopped. I know what you’re thinking: You’re in a relationship, why do you care so much? That’s like asking a man why he’s feminist. Single people are human, too. They have feelings and need support. After all, there is only one race, the human race. Technically, “single” and “taken” aren’t races, but just go with me on this one. Single people shouldn’t feel inferior as the awkward third wheel. They shouldn’t feel pathetic if they see a couple piggy-back riding down the beach or if they are dateless on Valentine’s Day. Couples, stop obnoxiously flaunting your relationships and let single people live in peace.
